


the high of almost getting there

by bestthreemonths



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2017-05-17
Packaged: 2018-09-13 02:19:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 21,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9102157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bestthreemonths/pseuds/bestthreemonths
Summary: Kelley O'Hara falls in love with places, not people. Falling in love with the city of Paris seems like the perfect way to end her senior year at Stanford, but her plans don't account for Christen Press.previously titled "no day but today"





	1. let me show you how it's done

**Author's Note:**

> this one goes out to all the emo tweets and playlists that end up on my twitter timeline at 2 a.m. and to #bbkc for starting the madness
> 
> oh and hbd christen!

Ever since she can remember, Kelley O’Hara has had an insatiable itch to see the world. Some people call it curiosity, some people call it wanderlust, but Kelley calls it “having watched one too many Mary-Kate and Ashley movies as a child.” When researching colleges to apply to, one of the first considerations she made was quality of study-abroad programs, which is why her parents still can’t believe it’s taken her till the winter quarter of her senior year at Stanford University to actually take advantage of the opportunity.

 

In reality, Kelley is just indecisive. She couldn’t even decide on a continent till last summer, but when she finally narrowed it down to Europe, choosing Paris was simple. She’d taken four years of French in high school (and promptly lost it all), so the Rosetta Stone crash course wasn’t too terribly bad… the two weeks she’d done of it, anyway. Luckily, she has a laptop and plenty of travel time (ten and a half hours, to be exact) to catch up.

 

If she can make her flight, that is.

 

She fidgets and checks the time on her phone again, cursing under her breath and raising her eyebrows yet again at the TSA agent who pulled her bag for a random inspection. Her entire program is on this flight, so if she doesn’t make it, she’s not only flushing $1,000+ down the drain, she’s also setting herself up for social failure. She knows a handful of girls on the trip through club soccer, her sorority, and classes, but she’s been to enough summer camps to know it’s the journey there that sets the tone for the rest of the time.

 

“Thank you for your patience, ma’am,” the woman in charge of poking through Kelley’s rolled-up underwear says, handing her bag over the barrier between them. “You’re good to go.”

 

Kelley nods her thanks before she’s practically sprinting through the terminal to her gate, which, as predicted, is already boarding. She’s the very last in line, and the gate agent gives her a disapproving look. The best Kelley can do is smile apologetically, knowing her flushed cheeks and shortness of breath give her away.

 

The flight is full, and Kelley already feels guilty for all the people she’s going to bump with her just-under-the-size-limit carry-on as she makes her way down the aisle to the tenth row, where a girl is already sitting with her eyes closed and headphones on. It must be Christen, her randomly assigned roommate for the international dorm. Kelley knows waking her up is a terrible way to start off, but her seat is the window seat, and Kelley can’t think of a good way to ninja-roll over Christen’s aisle seat without disturbing her.

 

Kelley taps her on the shoulder, and the girl jolts, opening her eyes. “Oh my God,” she gasps. “You startled me.”

 

“I see that,” Kelley says sheepishly. “I’m sorry, I just—that’s my seat. Are you Christen?”

 

The girl smiles, a row of white teeth gleaming against her olive skin. “I am,” she says. “Kelley?”

 

“The one and only,” Kelley says, squeezing past Christen’s knees, thankful they sprang for the first-class seats.

 

“It’s nice to meet you,” Christen says.

 

“You too,” Kelley says, settling into her seat and letting out a deep breath as she fastens her seatbelt. “That was stressful.”

 

“You’re here now at least. This was the first flight where I was more worried than excited about the concept of my seat buddy not showing up.”

 

Kelley smiles. “Well now we have plenty of time to get to know each other.”

 

“Right, the next ten weeks,” Christen says. “But you know we have to sleep on the way there, right? So we don’t get jet-lagged.”

 

“Oh, darn,” Kelley says. “I’ve had a lot of coffee.”

 

Christen’s face falls, and she looks a bit panicked. “Well, I have sleep aids, but I’m not sure how they’ll interact with caffeine.”

 

“Relax, I’m joking,” Kelley says. “My dad warned me. I had that sleepytime tea before I left and everything. But can I have some of those drugs?”

 

Christen looks like she’s calculating Kelley’s every word, but she finally reaches into the bag under the seat in front of her and pulls out a Ziploc bag with several pill containers.

 

“Looks like I lucked out with the roommate thing,” Kelley says. “Some of my old ones could have stood to be more medicated.”

  
“Do you want some or not?” Christen asks with a glare.

 

“Yes please,” Kelley replies, holding out her left hand and motioning with her right that she’s zipping her lips. Once she’s swallowed both pills with her water bottle, she wipes her mouth. “Since I’ll probably be knocked out in ten minutes, I figure we should get some things out of the way. I’m Kelley. I make bad jokes just often enough to be endearing, I hope. And I’m a lesbian, but I promise I won’t come onto you.” She holds her breath after the last line, one that she’s gotten used to adding since her first college roommate found out in a less-than-ideal fashion.

 

Christen pauses, and Kelley fears the worst, but she smirks after a second. “That’s okay,” she says. “So was my ex-girlfriend.”

 

Kelley’s eyes widen, and she can tell Christen is pleased with herself for making her speechless. It takes a lot to shut Kelley up, a fact Christen seems to have figured out already.

 

“I mean, she still is, I guess. A lesbian, I mean. Not my girlfriend.”

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Kelley says. “I got you. So you’re…”

 

Christen smiles, hiding her teeth this time. “Meditating and going to sleep,” she finishes. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you, Kelley. The next ten weeks should be fun.”

 

~

 

Kelley isn’t quite prepared for how quickly and completely Christen’s sleep aids will take her down, but the next thing she knows after closing her eyes is sun streaming through the windows in front of her and the pilot getting on the intercom to announce their descent into Charles de Gaulle Airport.

 

Christen is already awake, bright-eyed and yawning as she moisturizes her face. “Being stuck in a tin can overnight sucks the life out of my skin,” she explains when she sees Kelley looking at her quizzically. “You don’t moisturize?”

 

Kelley adds moisturizer to the mental list of things she’ll definitely need to buy in the next few days. No way will she let this girl shame her for her lack of skincare routine, even if she doesn’t seem to mean any harm.

 

Everyone is so excited that despite the early hour in France (7:28 a.m. when Kelley last checked), there’s plenty of chatter. Christen hangs back while Kelley catches up with some of her friends, but Kelley waves her over and introduces her to Ashlyn (from soccer), Heather M. (from Kappa), Heather O. (from soccer and Kappa, commonly known as HAO because she and the other Heather hate the last-initial thing, both having been unfortunate enough to attend high school after the movie Heathers was released), and Ali (from freshman physics). They all seem grateful to have been pulled into this haphazardly formed group, and Kelley beams when they start talking without her leading the conversation.

 

“Hey everyone!” a loud voice booms. Kelley turns to see a young woman who can’t be much older than her standing on a chair in the waiting area. She is wearing jeans and a T-shirt, and she looks like she could be a camp counselor, her curly brown hair pulled back in a ponytail and her face free of any discernible make-up.

 

Christen looks alarmed that she’s standing on a chair and yelling in an airport, but the way the woman hooks her thumbs around the straps of her backpack in a confident stance makes Kelley think this probably isn’t her first time doing this.

 

“Nice listening for a group this big so early in the morning,” the woman says, smirking. “I’m Diana, and I’m going to be your everything for this trip. Tour guide, concierge, friend, whatever you need, I’m your girl. We’ll all have plenty of time to get to know each other, but right now I’m the pain in your ass making sure we all get to the bus on time. Got it?”

 

Everyone nods or murmurs their agreement, but Kelley says “got it!” loud and proud. Diana flashes a grin her way, clearly appreciative of the participation.

 

“Cool, let the fun begin!”

 

The whole group files out toward ground transportation, where a huge bus is waiting for them, complete with people to relieve them of their bags and store their luggage underneath the vehicle. Christen sticks close to Kelley all the way until they get to the bus, where Kelley follows her friends toward the back. She can sense Christen no longer being behind her, and she stops short, turning to see Christen settling into one of the first rows. “Hey, come with me,” Kelley says, but Christen shakes her head.

 

“That’s okay,” she says. “I’d rather be up here. I’ll be fine.”

 

Kelley narrows her eyes, but she doesn’t have time to press because people are waiting to get on the bus. Instead, she turns toward the back, where the girls are choosing bus buddies. “Hey guys!” she calls. “We’re sitting up here.”

 

“You don’t have to—” Christen starts, but Kelley is already sliding into the seat beside her.

 

“First ones on, first ones off, right?” Kelley asks, flashing a smile. “We’ve got a lot to see.”

 

Christen smiles, and the Heathers take the seats behind them while Ali and Ashlyn take the seats across the aisle. Kelley winks at Christen, trying to hide the pride she feels in being able to wrangle together her posse. When Diana gets on the bus and takes the seat right in front of Ashlyn, diagonally across from Kelley, well, that’s just a bonus.

 

“I’m totally going to hook up with her,” Kelley whispers to Christen, who turns pink at the suggestion.

 

“How do you know she’s…”

 

“Don’t you doubt me,” Kelley says. “Even if she’s not, I’m hooking up with her. She’s cute.”

 

Christen shrugs. “She’s okay. I think you’re stereotyping her.”

 

Kelley smirks. “Why, because she has that butch walk and camp counselor vibe? How much money do you want to put on it?”

 

“Dollars or euros?”

 

“That’s the spirit,” Kelley laughs. “Don’t worry, I won’t take your money. Just watch and learn.” She leans forward, peering over Diana’s shoulder, where she’s poring over the list of students on her clipboard, complete with a mini-bio of age, major, allergies, and anything in particular the program needs to know. She waits till Diana flips to the page with both hers and Christen’s pictures on it and tuts, “watch out for that Kelley O’Hara. I hear she’s a troublemaker.”

 

Diana turns her head and smiles when she sees the face from her paper (and from inside). “Is that so?” she asks, and Kelley can hear the slightest French accent. “I usually get along best with those. You can keep a secret?” Kelley nods. “I was one myself in school.”

 

“Which was what, a year ago?” It would be a flirt with a slightly older woman, but Kelley cringes internally, hoping the young woman doesn’t take offense.

 

Diana rolls her eyes playfully. “I graduated four and a half years ago, but I graduated early. I’m 25.”

 

Kelley whistles softly. “Damn, she’s smart too.”

 

“I knew what I wanted,” Diana shrugs. “So I worked hard and stayed focused and got out of school so I could start doing it.”

 

“I do respect a woman who knows what she wants,” Kelley says. 

 

“I have a feeling you’re one of those too, no?”

 

Kelley sees Christen out of the corner of her eye practically gaping in astonishment. “Definitely,” she says. “I usually get it, too.”

 

“That does not surprise me, Kelley O’Hara,” Diana says. “Irish?”

 

“Yep,” Kelley says. “And you’re Diana… like the princess?”

 

“The goddess, actually,” Diana answers, a twinkle in her eye. “Which is much more fitting, if you ask me.”

 

“She says with incredible confidence,” Kelley laughs.

 

Diana blushes. “That didn’t come out how I meant it to. I’m just afraid I would have disappointed my parents had they been expecting more of a princess type.”

 

“I’ve known a lot of princesses in my time,” Kelley says, lifting one eyebrow. “I’ve found them pretty unsatisfying.”

 

“A lot?” Diana asks, an amused smirk playing at her lips.

 

“Enough,” Kelley corrects.

 

Diana turns back to her clipboard and scribbles something next to Kelley’s name. When she pulls her hand away, she looks at Kelley and smiles again. “Troublemaker,” it reads. “Doesn’t like princesses. Keep both eyes on her.”

 

~

 

“I can’t believe you were right,” Christen groans, following Kelley down the hallway to their dorm room. “I also can’t believe how fast you got her number.”

 

“What?” Kelley asks innocently. “She said if we need anything…”

 

“Yeah, anything,” Christen laughs. “Anything… at all…” She mimics Diana’s fluttering eyelashes.

 

“You’ll learn a lot more than just what you’re studying while you’re with me,” Kelley assures her, turning the key in the door and opening it to reveal their room. “Home sweet home.”

  
Christen steps in and frowns. “It’s… smaller than I expected.”

 

“Clearly,” Kelley quips, looking pointedly at Christen’s enormous suitcase. She turns to the beds and tilts her head. They’re practically attached, but for a small wooden separation between the twin mattresses. “I hope you like to cuddle.”

 

“You’re not bringing Diana back here,” Christen deadpans.

 

“Don’t worry, she has a single,” Kelley replies with a wink. She flops onto one of the bed and groans. “Oh, this is nice.”

 

“Don’t you sleep!” Christen chastises, unzipping her luggage. “Come on, get up, we need to unpack. If you fall asleep, the jet lag wins.”

 

~

  
The jet lag wins. Kelley wakes up hours later without a clue as to what time it is except for the setting sun outside their window. She feels groggier than she did before, and she curses Christen for being right… until she turns her head and squints to see Christen, curled up in a ball atop her own covers.

 

Christen squeezes her eyes tight when she hears Kelley groan, as if she’s trying to will herself to stay asleep to no avail. “Shit.”

  
“I feel the same,” Kelley says. “I’m starving.”

 

Christen stretches out her legs and whines. “I can’t believe you ruined my foolproof anti-jet lag plan!”   
  


“I ruined it?” Kelley exclaims. “You fell asleep all by yourself, my friend.”

 

“You didn’t stop me.”

 

“I couldn’t stop you if I was already asleep,” Kelley insists. “Do you have any food?”

 

“We’re in Paris!” Christen exclaims. “They have food here.”

 

“Yeah, but I’m too tired to go anywhere,” Kelley whines.

 

“You have no choice,” Christen decides, sitting up. “Come on. Let’s go.”

 

Kelley grumbles all the way down the stairs and out the front lobby and into the chilly street, so Christen pulls her into the first restaurant they see, right across from the dorm, which turns out to be an Italian restaurant.

 

“How are we honestly eating spaghetti and meatballs on our first night in Paris, of all places?” Kelley asks, slurping down another spoonful.

 

“Speak for yourself, I’m digging this vegetarian lasagna,” Christen says. “We have ten weeks to eat all the crepes we can handle. Besides, if it’s good enough for Lady and the Tramp, it’s good enough for us.” Kelley gives her a blank stare. “What, weren’t they in Paris?”

 

Kelley laughs. “That’s the Aristocats!”

 

“Whatever, I’m jet-lagged,” Christen grumbles, stabbing her food.

 

“But you raise a fine question: Which one of us is the lady?”

 

“Oh please,” Christen says. “You’re a total tramp.”

 

“Excuse me!”

 

“You designated a hookup buddy within five minutes of being on French soil,” Christen says. “Tramp.”

 

“Fine, tramps have more fun anyway,” Kelley says, sticking out her tongue playfully. “So tell me, m’lady, what brings you to Paris?”

 

Christen shrugs. “The program looked nice,” she says. “I’m a junior, so all my friends are doing it, but I didn’t want to go to Australia or South America or anywhere they’re going.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“I don’t know, Paris is… I don’t know, it’s romantic.”

 

Kelley smirks. “You mean French chicks are hot.”

 

“Don’t be crass!” Christen chides. “The language is beautiful, the art and the history is amazing, and God, have you never daydreamed about holding hands with someone at the top of the Eiffel Tower and staring into their eyes and falling in love?”

 

“I’m scared of heights,” Kelley says.

 

“You’re no fun.”

 

“I’m plenty of fun,” Kelley says.

 

“Sure,” Christen laughs. “Anyway, my sisters and I have been wanting to backpack through Europe for as long as I can remember. So we’re going when the program is over.”

 

Kelley smirks.

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing,” Kelley says, twirling more spaghetti around her fork. “Just a total tramp move.”

 

Christen presses her lips together in disdain, but a smile sneaks out. “I guess we have more in common than you thought.”


	2. you won't make yourself a name if you follow the rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A weekend away from Paris does not go according to plan... for everyone besides Kelley, that is.

Once she gets past the jet lag, adjusting to life in Paris doesn't take Kelley much time at all. Christen speaks better French than she does, and Diana is fluent, so Kelley always invites her along when their crew goes on adventures throughout the city.

 

She and Christen develop a routine that works out for them. Their only shared class is French culture on Wednesdays and Fridays, but they wake up and take the train to school every morning, where they switch off between attending class and doing homework in the student union until they're both free for the day. It was Christen’s idea, so even though Kelley is a procrastinator at heart, she goes along with it, preferring to spend her afternoons exploring with Christen and evenings drinking wine with friends at Parisian cafes than doing homework and stressing back at the dorm.

 

Spending time with Christen makes Kelley realize how woefully underprepared she was before. Christen has to-do lists, maps of the city to make them as efficient as possible when sightseeing, history books, and even a fanny pack, which Kelley teases her mercilessly for until the day they go on a hike and Kelley’s shoulders start killing her from the weight of her backpack. After that, Kelley shuts up. She also buys a moisturizer under Heather’s recommendation.

 

Ali and Heather spend the majority of their afternoons shopping and taking Instagram-worthy shots around the city, while HAO and Ashlyn have made it their personal mission to visit every damn crepe truck they see.

 

Depending on the day, Kelley and Christen might tag along with them or another group of girls (the program has ten women for every man, just the way Kelley likes it), but most of the time they find themselves on their own, visiting museums and churches and historical landmarks. Kelley actually finds herself enjoying the geeky stuff she had poked fun at Christen for wanting to see, and she begs Christen to go to the Louvre almost every other day before they compromise on going once a week.

 

Ashlyn and HAO chide Kelley and Christen for being “boring,” but despite Christen’s checklists and extensive maps, she makes it a mission to do something spontaneous every day. She had rolled her eyes when Kelley told her planning to be spontaneous completely defeats the purpose of being spontaneous, so Kelley just shuts her mouth and goes along with it. Kelley finds that Christen’s personality balances her own perfectly, and she's definitely the best travel buddy Kelley has ever had (which annoys her older sister, Erin, to no end every time she says it).

 

“I think we should take a break from sightseeing this week,” Christen suggests over their weekly Sunday night dinner at the Italian restaurant across the way. It’s an unspoken tradition, but every week they end up there, just the two of them, to reset for the week.

 

“Okay, queen of sightseeing,” Kelley laughs, surprised.

 

“I’m serious!” Christen insists. “We have exams before we go to Normandy this weekend. Aren’t you worried about studying?”

 

After each round of exams, the students get a free weekend to travel, but this weekend the group is traveling west to stay in Normandy and visit historical landmarks from World War II. The “educational” part is only for a few hours during the day, leaving plenty of time to drink, so in reality, it’s just going to be a shitshow.

 

“It’s study abroad,” Kelley shrugs. “How hard can they be?”

 

“You still have to study,” Christen says.

 

“Okay, then compromise,” Kelley says. “We can go to those gardens on your list and bring all our study materials. Two birds, one stone.”

 

“Done,” Christen agrees, a smirk decorating her face. “I can’t believe you’ve been reading my lists.”

 

“You shared the Google doc!” Kelley exclaims, but she can’t help but smile too. “I’m embracing the Parisian experience.”

 

“Oh yeah?” Christen teases. “Then where are all those hot French chicks you told me you were going to pick up?”

 

Kelley’s face flushes. “I’m trying to be respectful of my roommate.”

 

“Uh-huh,” Christen says. “Sure.”

 

“Then where’s the Parisian romance I heard so much about?”

 

Christen rolls her eyes. “The city is romantic whether you have a lover or not.”

 

They’ve only gone out a few nights, and both nights have ended with minimal action for Kelley. She’d had a few offers to dance with both gorgeous men and beautiful women, but she’s usually having too much fun with her group of girls to pay them any mind. Christen definitely knows how to have a good time, but she also knows that if she doesn’t stay sober enough to navigate the trains home, nobody will, and Kelley would feel bad leaving Christen as the sole caretaker of a gaggle of girls in the streets of Paris.

 

“Whatever you say,” Kelley tuts. “Besides, I have exams to study for.”

 

~

 

Kelley was right, the exams were easy as hell, but that could have something to do with the hours she spent studying with Christen in Luxembourg Gardens till the sun went down. Either way, by the time they got on the bus to Normandy, taking their normal seats, school was the last thing on anyone’s mind. All anyone could really think about was roommates. In Normandy, there are four to a room, and Diana refuses to tell anyone who’s paired up with whom.

 

Well, almost anyone.

 

“God, you’re annoying,” Diana sighs after giving into Kelley’s pouting and whining and informing her that yes, she’s still with Christen because it’s in alphabetical order, but HAO and Heather will also be joining their crew, leaving Ali and Ashlyn stranded (but together in another room).

 

“You love me,” Kelley smirks.

 

“You’re okay.”

 

“Flirt,” Christen mutters under her breath, but Kelley knows she was just as worried about the new roommate situation.

 

New roommates turn out to be the least of their worries when they arrive at their destination, though.

 

“We can’t actually be staying here,” Christen whispers to Kelley, looking around the courtyard they’re standing in. They’re surrounded by a stark gray building that goes all the way around, the only exit they can see being the doors they walked through to get into the courtyard. It’s a boarding school where the students go home for the weekend, and it feels like a deserted asylum. “This literally looks like a jail.”

 

Kelley has to admit she’s right. And something seems to be off, but she can’t put her finger on it. She can feel the air turn restless as everyone starts complaining about not being able to find wifi and how they promised their parents they’d check in.

 

All the teachers and supervisors are standing around in a circle, talking in hushed voices, and Diana is on the phone, looking stressed as she paces back and forth in front of the man checking them in.

 

“Hey guys, anyone want to play cards?” Kelley calls. She rummages through her bag and brings out four decks she knew would come in handy eventually.

 

Most of the students (namely Ali, who has stated explicitly that she will not under any circumstances stay here tonight) roll their eyes or resist at first, but eventually all the decks are in use, and everyone seems slightly less stressed.

 

“I have good news and bad news,” Diana announces finally, coming to the middle of the group. “The bad news is, as you all seem to be aware, this isn’t exactly what we had in mind for lodging this weekend. The good news is we’ve secured alternate arrangements for tomorrow night. I’m really sorry about the inconvenience, but there are a lot of places in town you can go to access wifi if you need to contact your parents, and we have a security guard on duty tonight to ensure that all is safe and secure.”

 

“What do you mean, not what you had in mind?” A girl named Kaylyn asks. “Did nobody vet this place?”

 

Diana sighs. “We’ve used it in the past,” she starts, but she’s quickly cut off by protests.

 

“So you didn’t think to like, confirm any of this?” Ali asks. “What about tonight? We have to stay here?”

 

“I’m afraid the program can’t find any last-minute accommodations for a group this big,” Diana says, looking defeated. “Trust me, I did my best to work things out. I promise this isn’t the end of the world, it’s just one night.”

 

“It’s the principle of the thing!” someone else exclaims.

 

Christen looks at Kelley with concern, and Kelley smiles tightly to calm her while everyone piles onto Diana.

 

“What if we just get you all inside and comfortable first?” Diana suggests. “We’ve been cramped in a bus for several hours, I think it’s best we all take a breather.”

 

Everyone reluctantly agrees, realizing they have very little choice, but once inside it gets worse. Unlike the dorms, all of which have en suite bathrooms and come with fresh pillows and blankets, this place has communal showers and toilets and limited options for comfort. Everyone gets to select one sheet, one blanket, and one pillow from a huge pile of each. The doors, they find once inside, don’t even have locks, leading Heather to have a complete meltdown over the safety of her hair straightener. If that weren’t enough, the teachers (and Diana) are all staying at a hotel nearby. The arrangements were made prior to their arrival, but it doesn’t earn them any friends.

 

It’s clear that nobody is going to be happy anytime soon, so Kelley hatches a plan, going from door to door to collect donations for her “Silver Lining Fund” to buy enough alcohol to relax the entire group. Some people she hadn’t even met yet chip in 20 euros and even agree to come along to help carry the goods.

 

The city is nice, if a bit less exotic than Paris, and the weather is beautiful. Kelley makes conversation with their new friends, Crystal and Julie, while Christen takes in the fresh air and their surroundings. Weighed down with bottles of wine and vodka and tequila and mixers, they head back to a much more welcoming crew than before.

 

“You’re really smart,” Christen tells Kelley, who is sipping cabernet from a red Solo cup while the group has an impromptu dance party to Beyonce songs, courtesy of Crystal’s speakers. “Nobody can be too upset if they’re having a good time.”

 

Kelley shrugs, but she smiles to herself as she takes in the scene. She really did this. She can’t help but feel a little proud. “This is a once-in-a-lifetime thing,” she says. “Might as well make the best of it.”

 

Christen shrieks when the opening notes of Love On Top start playing, and she runs to join the dancing. “This is my song!” she exclaims, waving Kelley over.

 

At the same moment, something catches Kelley’s eye outside the window. She can see Diana, pacing back and forth in the courtyard, still on the phone like she was all afternoon. She grabs her bottle of wine and another Solo cup and heads downstairs.

 

By the time she gets outside, the air a bit more nippy than it was before the sun went down, Diana is sitting on a bench.

  
“Yeah, I know,” she says, looking up to meet Kelley’s eyes with a sad smile. “Okay. Okay, I will. Thanks.”

 

“Is this seat taken?” Kelley asks after she hangs up. She sits without waiting for a response.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Hey,” Kelley says. “Are you alright?”

 

“I mean, aside from feeling like a total fuck-up?” Diana laughs. “Yeah, super great.”

 

“Hey, you’re not a fuck-up,” Kelley says softly, pouring wine into the empty cup and handing it to Diana. “Things happen. We’re in there making lemonade.”

 

Diana furrows her eyebrows. “Why?”

 

“It’s an expression,” Kelley laughs. “You’ve never heard that one? When life gives you lemons…”

 

“Oh,” Diana laughs. “Yes, I have, sorry, my head is a million miles away.”

 

“That’s okay,” Kelley says. “You’re handling this really well. Seriously. Don’t worry about it, people will always find something to complain about.”

 

“Thanks, Kelley,” Diana says, her lip quivering. “I feel awful. And now my boss is angry with me, and everyone is going to give this trip horrible reviews, and—”

 

“Stop,” Kelley says, placing a hand on Diana’s arm. “You’re fine. We’re fine. This will be forgotten in no time. Please don’t beat yourself up. Have some wine, come in and dance with us and have a good time.”

 

“I think I’d rather go to bed,” Diana says. “In my hotel room that everyone hates me for.”

 

Kelley laughs. “It’s probably more comfortable than those… God, I don’t even know if you can call them beds.” Diana’s lip quivers again, and Kelley squeezes her arm. “I’m kidding. I promise, everyone is fine. They’re upset at the situation, but it’s not your fault. Get some sleep. Everyone adores you, and they’ll still adore you when this is over.”

 

“Everyone?” Diana asks.

 

“Everyone,” Kelley confirms.

 

Diana puts her cup down on the ground and takes a deep breath. Before Kelley knows it, Diana’s lips are on hers.

 

Kelley kisses back without hesitation, placing a gentle hand on the back of Diana’s neck and parting her lips to deepen it. She feels Diana’s tongue slip between her lips, and she takes that as permission to place her other hand on Diana’s back in a full embrace.

 

Diana pulls away for a breath, biting Kelley’s lip on her way back. “Oh my God, that’s probably so inappropriate,” she sighs.

 

“No, what’s inappropriate is what I’ve been wanting to do to you since I first saw you,” Kelley murmurs, her eyes still closed. It might not be the truest thing she’s ever said, but Diana is cute, and Kelley did set out to hook up with her. Plus, she’s having a bad night, and there’s nothing wrong with cheering her up a bit.

 

“Like what?” Diana murmurs.

 

“I can show better than I can tell.”

 

“Me too,” Diana says, standing up and pulling Kelley with her. “Let’s go.”

 

“Go?”

 

“Show me, of course.”

 

“I—really?”

 

“Do you want me to really think about it?” Diana laughs. “I’m already probably getting fired. I might as well go out with a bang.” She covers her mouth when she hears what she said. “That did not come out right.”

 

“I think it came out perfectly,” Kelley laughs. “Let me run inside and tell my roommate, then I’ll be right back.”

 

“No!” Diana exclaims, horrified. “You can’t—”

 

“She’s cool, I promise,” Kelley says. “I’ll be back in two minutes.”

 

Kelley runs upstairs to grab her things, hardly believing her luck. The dance party is still going on, but Christen is nowhere to be found. She checks their room, but she isn’t there either, so she grabs the first person she sees, which happens to be Ali.

 

“Hey, where’s Chris?” she asks.

 

“Um, I think she went to take a shower,” Ali says. “Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah, fine,” Kelley says, looking around. “Can you just tell her I went to go do the thing I told her I was going to do on the first day?”

 

Ali furrows her brow. “That’s… specific.”

 

“The thing I told her when we first got on the bus,” Kelley says breathlessly, antsy to get back downstairs. “Trust me, she’ll know what you’re talking about.”

 

“Okay…” Ali says. “I’ll let her know.”

 

“Great, thanks,” Kelley says, practically sprinting down the stairs as soon as Ali turns back to her conversation with Crystal and Ashlyn.

 

“I was starting to think you’d changed your mind,” Diana says with a smile that says she’s only half-joking.

 

“Not a chance in hell,” Kelley says, grabbing the bottle of wine from Diana’s hand and wrapping an arm around her shoulders while Diana leads them to the exit. “The first day I met you, you said you were a goddess.” She winks. “How could I pass up the chance to let you prove it?”


	3. rolling fast and crashing hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley faces the aftermath of her night with Diana.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you're reading/enjoying this, pls drop a comment! it makes me feel like i'm not just..... shouting into the abyss :)

Kelley wakes up to an unfamiliar alarm in an unfamiliar bed with unfamiliar arms wrapped around her very naked body. It takes her brain a moment to process where she is and who she’s with, but when last night comes back to her, she smiles before blinking her eyes open.

 

“Morning,” Diana murmurs, kissing Kelley’s collarbone.

 

“Good morning,” Kelley replies. “Any chance you set your alarm early enough for a second round?”

 

“I think you mean third,” Diana says. “Or fourth, depending on your definition of round.”

 

“Did I fall asleep on you?”

 

Diana shrugs. “You were worn out.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Kelley groans. “Here, let me make it up to you.” She maneuvers so she’s hovering over the other woman, her lips attaching themselves to Diana’s neck.

 

“I appreciate it, but I really need to shower, and we have to be on the bus all packed up in…” Diana looks at her phone. “Fuck. Thirty minutes.”

 

“Do you, ah, have a change of clothes I can borrow?” Kelley asks, turning pink. She hadn’t considered having to do a walk of shame.

 

“You should probably go back to the school and get your things together,” Diana says, wrapping a towel from the bathroom around her body. “I’ll, um, see you on the bus.”

 

Kelley has had her fair share of awkward morning-after situations, but she’s never been the one practically getting kicked out, which throws her for a loop. “Oh,” she says. “Okay. Yeah. You’re probably right.”

 

“Last night was fun,” Diana says. “You can get back alright?”

 

“Yeah, sure,” Kelley says, trying to remember. She’s pretty sure the school was just down the street and to the left. “Maybe we can, uh, do this again? Back in Paris.”

 

Diana smiles tightly. “Probably not,” she says. “This was a mistake. A really fun mistake, but definitely a mistake.”

 

“Oh,” Kelley says. “Yeah. Right. Well, um…”

 

“I’ll see you on the bus?”

 

“Yeah, on the bus.”

 

The school, as it turns out, is not just down the street and to the left. In fact, it involves some major turns Kelley must have missed while walking to Diana’s hotel (and stopping every few feet to make out), and she doesn’t make her way back till everyone is getting on the bus. By the time she sprints inside to pack up her things and gets back, Diana is already on the bus, and everyone seems annoyed they had to wait for her, including Christen, whose arms are folded across her chest as she stares out the window, not looking at Kelley when she sits down.

 

“Did you have a fun night?” Kelley asks. Christen doesn’t reply, just closes her eyes like she’s taking a nap. “Did you not sleep well?”

 

Christen’s eyes fly open at that, and she turns to Kelley with her jaw set. “Oh, I slept great,” she says. “Not as well as someone who was sleeping in, you know, a real bed, but still great. Thanks for asking.”

 

“Forget I asked,” Kelley grumbles. Christen turns back to the window and doesn’t say another word to her for the rest of the morning.

 

~

 

Kelley manages to avoid any more of Christen’s outbursts while they’re on the tours of Normandy and listening attentively to the tour guides and historians. Christen seems to be in a great mood when it comes to everyone except for Kelley, who she barely looks at other than to roll her eyes at another stupid joke.

 

By their third bus trip of the day, Christen has moved to sit with Ali, forcing Ashlyn to move beside Kelley.

 

“What did you do to piss her off?” Ashlyn whispers.

 

“Long story,” Kelley says to cover for the fact that honestly, she’s not exactly sure. She can imagine she didn’t earn herself any points by being late to the bus, but Christen was probably mad before then, and Kelley isn’t stupid enough to think it has nothing to do with her activity the night before.

 

“I hooked up with Ali last night,” Ashlyn confesses.

 

“Holy shit, what?” Kelley exclaims.

 

“Shush!” Ashlyn hisses. “We roomed with Julie and Tobin, and they were outside playing basketball in the courtyard, so we had to be kind of quick. Right after we saw you, Ali said she was tired and wanted to lie down, so we went and started talking, and the talking led to making out, which led to… Luckily the music was loud enough nobody heard us despite the paper-thin walls.”

 

“Oh my God!” Kelley says. “How did I not even know you two were a thing?”

 

“I don’t know, we aren’t really,” Ashlyn says, blushing. “But Heather and HAO are friends, so the four of us are together a lot when you and Christen are off doing your exploring, and we just… got close, I guess.”

 

“I guess so,” Kelley says. “Damn. Well done. I didn’t even know she was gay, or else I would have gone for it long ago.”

 

“Back off,” Ashlyn laughs. “Where did you go last night?”

 

Kelley glances at Diana, who has headphones in and looks to be taking a nap. “Can you keep a secret?”

 

“Sure.”

 

“I hooked up with Diana,” Kelley whispers.

 

“No fucking way,” Ashlyn replies. “I could have sworn you and—well.”

 

“Could have sworn what?”

  
“Nothing,” Ashlyn says. “I just—really? Diana? Jesus.”

 

“It was good,” Kelley says. “She’s cute, she’s fun. It was a good time.”

 

“That’s a rave review.”

 

“No, it was good,” Kelley insists. “Just a one-night thing though. Not like you and Ali.”

 

Ashlyn smirks. “I hope we are more than that,” she says. “I like her a lot.”

 

“She’s a great person,” Kelley assures her. “You could do a lot worse.”   
  


“I know,” Ashlyn says, turning her head to sneak a glance at Ali, who’s wrapped up in conversation with Christen, but not so much that she doesn’t notice Ashlyn’s gaze.

 

Christen turns her head to see what Ali’s smiling about, and she smiles at Ashlyn before seeing Kelley, at which point her face falls again, and she turns back to Ali pointedly.

 

“You better fix that quick,” Ashlyn says.

 

~

 

Quick turns out not to be till the end of the day, when Kelley is finally alone with Christen for the first time in their hotel room, which is much nicer than the place in Normandy, but not quite as spacious as their tiny dorm room. Christen went through her entire nighttime routine without a word to Kelley except for “can you get the lights?”

 

“I’m sorry, Chris,” Kelley sighs as she crawls beneath her sheets. “I know I should have told you where I was going—”

 

“That’s not what I’m mad about,” Christen says sharply, sitting up in her bed.

 

“Okay, then what?” Kelley asks. She has no ill will toward Christen, no desire to hurt her or to one-up her, even, but part of her—a dark, secret part of her she’ll never confess to—almost wants Christen to say she’s jealous of her hook-up with Diana. It’s not like Christen can’t get anyone she wanted, and it’s not like they’re in a competition for the same girl—Christen didn’t even think Diana was attractive—but Kelley thinks she might feel better about never hooking up with Diana again if Christen just says that’s what bothered her.

 

“First, you left me alone,” she says. “I don’t care if you do your own thing, we don’t have to be attached at the hip, but I thought we were all having some big bonding experience last night, and you just left.”

 

“Christen, I—” Kelley starts, but Christen holds up a finger to shut her up.

 

“Second, you left to spend the night in a plush hotel room while the rest of us slept on slabs of wood with pillows that were the thickness of my hand!” Christen exclaims. “You could have hooked up with her anytime in the past few weeks, she has a single for God’s sake. But you chose the one night where the rest of us were desperate to stay anywhere but in those shitty conditions, and you just bailed. You were all about making lemonade out of lemons and finding the silver lining and having fun, but it was all bullshit. You were out for yourself, and it’s really disheartening to learn that. Because I trusted you. And I thought you were a better person than that. And I don’t like being wrong about people.”

 

“Is that all?” Kelley asks quietly.

 

“Is that not enough?”

 

“No, it is,” Kelley says. “You’re right about all of it. I shouldn’t have left, especially without finding you and telling you myself where I was going. And I understand why you're upset. I promise I wasn't just trying to get out of here for the night, but I know it looks bad. But I hate that you feel like you can't trust me. That's the worst thing I can imagine.”

 

Christen shrugs. “I'm just frustrated,” she says. “Last night was so fun, and it could have been one of the best memories of the whole trip, but you weren't there. And I was so busy being upset with you for not being there that I couldn't even enjoy it.”

 

Kelley smiles sadly. “I'm sorry,” she says. “I don't know how to make it up for you, but I promise I'll try my best. And we’ll make other best memories.”

 

“Being mad at you is really hard,” Christen complains. “Your puns are really bad, but I want to laugh at them.”

 

Kelley laughs. “I warned you!”

 

“How was it?”

 

“How was what?”

 

Christen blushes. “You know… the sex.”

 

“It was okay,” Kelley says. “You know what they say, sex is like pizza. Even when it's bad, it's still kind of good.”

 

“So it was bad?”

 

“No!” Kelley says. “It was just—I don't want to talk about this with you.”

 

“Rude!” Christen says with mock offense. “Come on, did you come?”

 

“Christen, stop!” Kelley exclaims, squirming in her bed.

 

Christen stays quiet, biting her lip. “Do you think it'll happen again?”

 

“Me and Diana? Nah.”

 

“Love ‘em and leave ‘em,” Christen teases. “Such a tramp.”

 

Kelley smirks, but her stomach tightens. It's usually the same thing she’d say about herself, but for some reason she feels uneasy about Christen saying it. “I'm not really that bad.”

 

“Oh please.”

 

“I'm serious! I don't hook up with that many people, it's not like I'm a player or anything.”

 

“I'm not judging,” Christen says gently.

 

“I know,” Kelley says. “I just… wanted you to know.”

 

“Why?”

 

It's a simple question, but Kelley doesn't have an answer.

 

~

 

Like every other Sunday night, the next night finds them back in Paris at their favorite Italian place. Kelley had been looking forward to the weekend away, but Paris feels like home now, and it feels good to be back, especially given what a hot mess the weekend had turned into.

 

“So I was thinking Amsterdam,” Kelley says. Their next free weekend is coming up in just another two weeks, and she and Christen hadn't discussed plans yet. Their choices are Amsterdam or Barcelona, which are completely different, but after looking up all the things to do and see in both, Kelley found that Amsterdam would probably be way more up Christen’s alley in terms of its museums and history.

 

“Amsterdam over Barcelona?” Christen asks, wrinkling her nose.

 

“I thought you'd be down!” Kelley says. “Amsterdam has way more history.”

 

“And way more pot,” Christen says drily.

 

“Christen Press, do not tell me you have a problem with marijuana,” Kelley says, sitting back in her seat with her arms crossed.

 

“I don't have a problem with it, I'm just… not interested in it.”

 

“Have you ever smoked weed?”

 

Christen avoids Kelley’s eyes, picking at her salad.

 

“Christen! Seriously?”

 

“Shut up,” Christen whines. “I don't do drugs. It's illegal anyway.”

 

“Not in Amsterdam,” Kelley reminds her. “If you're going to do it anywhere, might as well be there.”

 

“I don't want to do it at all.”

 

“You don't have to,” Kelley says with a shrug. “I'm not even that into it. But if you're going to do it at all, might as well do it where you aren't breaking any laws, right?”

 

Christen looks like she's thinking about it, but Kelley doesn't expect her to make a decision right now anyway.

 

“Listen, we’ll do all the touristy stuff during the day, see whatever historical stuff you want, and then at night you can let me show you a good time. You don't have to do anything you aren't comfortable with, we can just drink and dance and whatever. But if you do want to, let me know. I'd rather you do it with someone you trust if you do it at all. That is, if you're done not trusting me.”

 

That makes Christen crack a smile. “I am,” she says. “I do trust you.”

 

“Then it's decided,” Kelley says, smiling with satisfaction. “We’re going to Amsterdam.”

 

“Fine.”

 

“And getting you high.”

 

Christen narrows her eyes. “Whatever will help you sleep at night.”


	4. let's find a bar so dark we forget who we are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley and Christen go to Amsterdam and everyone tries something new (even if Kelley doesn't mean to).

After a month traveling with Christen, Kelley doesn't know how she’ll be able to go back to traveling without her. She isn't even sure how she made it on time to any flight in her entire life without Christen keeping her on schedule. When they arrive at the airport an hour early for their flight to Amsterdam and beat the enormous line that forms after them, Kelley buys Christen a venti latte for making it happen.

 

Kelley is reading over their itinerary for when they land (check in to the hotel, rent bikes, book it down the road for their tour of the Anne Frank House with the rest of the group, then to the Van Gogh Museum before meeting up with the group again for dinner and cocktails) when Christen makes her decision.

 

“I think I want to do it,” she says softly.

 

“Do what?” Kelley asks, not looking up from her laptop.

 

“You know,” Christen says. When Kelley meets her eyes, her cheeks are pink. “Pot.”

 

“My my my,” Kelley says with mock surprise. She’d been expecting Christen to say that, but it still feels wild to hear.

 

“Don't tell the other girls, okay?” Christen asks. “That it's my first time.”

 

“They won't care,” Kelley says.

 

“Yeah, but still,” Christen says. “You can teach me before we meet up with them, and then I'll look like I know what I'm doing.”

 

“You're one of a kind,” Kelley laughs. “Don't worry, I’m sure I can find some time on our itinerary.”

 

~

 

They do find time (probably sooner than Christen was really expecting) between their tour and the museum. It's early in the afternoon when they get done at the Anne Frank House, and after they bike back to the hotel to touch up their makeup from crying, they still have hours before the museum closes and they're expected to meet their friends.

 

Christen doesn't figure out what exactly is going on till they're standing at the counter at a coffeeshop down the block and Kelley orders what Diana advised they get, a pre-rolled joint (“for beginners,” she’d said with a knowing look), along with two cappuccinos.

 

“Wait, here?” Christen hisses.

 

“When in Rome, right?” Kelley says. “Come on, the guy said we can smoke upstairs, and there aren't very many people here anyway. It'll be private.” Christen doesn't look sure, but Kelley smiles. “You still trust me with this?”

 

“Of course,” Christen says. “It's just… weird. Won't the coffee taste weird?”

 

“You worry about the funniest things,” Kelley says. “The coffee will taste even better after a few hits, I promise. Sex is better too. So is kissing.”

 

“I bet you wish Diana were here then,” Christen teases, following Kelley up the stairs.

 

Kelley rolls her eyes where Christen can't see and pretends to ignore the comment instead. She eyes a free couch and loveseat at a table and makes a beeline to sit in the loveseat, figuring it's a better fit for Christen to be comfortable when they're smoking. She doesn't expect Christen to sit right next to her, so close that their legs are touching.

 

“Do you think these people do this all the time?” Christen whispers, looking around.

 

“Uh, yeah,” Kelley laughs, fumbling with the lighter she bought downstairs before dropping it into Christen’s lap. She grabs for it before thinking better of it, freezing when she realizes where her hand is going. “Sorry, I haven't done this in a while.”

 

Christen quirks an eyebrow and looks down at her lap. “If I recall correctly, you did this about two weeks ago.”

 

Kelley feels her face heat up, and she pulls her hand away with the lighter. Christen is clearly pleased with herself. “You love making me feel uncomfortable.”

 

“I do not!” Christen exclaims with a laugh. “You just set yourself up for it a lot.”

 

“Maybe you have a dirty mind.”

 

“Maybe,” Christen hums in agreement, staring at the joint in Kelley’s hand. “So are we going to… smoke that?”

 

“We sure are,” Kelley says. “We’ll start slow, just so you can get a feel for it. Then we’ll go to the museum and it'll probably wear off by the time we get there. And if you still want to do it tonight, you'll be like an old pro.”

 

Christen smiles. “Thanks for this,” she says. “I know it seems silly, but I don't like people making a big deal over me. My birthday is December 29, and most people hate their birthdays being overshadowed by the holidays, but I love it. The first time I drank I made the mistake of telling my friends, and they practically paraded me around this whole house party like I was some zoo animal.”

 

“It's not silly,” Kelley assures her. “And I don't mind.”

 

“You also don't need to, like, babysit me tonight.”

 

“I won't.”

 

“But I mean if you wanted to go hook up with Diana or whatever,” Christen says. “I know I got mad last time, but you can do whatever you want.”

 

“Chris, it's cool,” Kelley says. If she's learned anything about Christen in her time with her so far, it's that she rambles when she's nervous. “I'm following your lead.”

 

“Well then we’re both fucked because I'm following yours,” Christen laughs.

 

Kelley grins. “How about I take the lead on this one, and we can leave the rest for later?”

 

“Deal.”

 

“I'll take the first hit,” Kelley says. “Or a few. Whenever you feel ready, you can take one. I'll walk you through it. If you don't feel well, tell me, okay? I want this to be good for you.”

 

Christen snorts out a laugh. “You sound like the guy I lost my virginity to.”

 

Kelley raises both her eyebrows. “Yeah, but unlike him, I actually mean it.”

 

“Touché.”

 

Kelley lights the joint and lifts it to her lips, trying not to feel the pressure of Christen’s eyes studying her every move. She takes a drag and inhales deeply, closing her eyes. She feels like a total cliche, but the combination of being on a sort of vacation and smoking without fear of being caught relaxes her.

 

There's also the Christen factor. It's a running joke in their group of friends by now that nobody besides Kelley would be able to deal with her all day every day. Ali and Heather admire Christen’s makeup collection, but they're baffled by her complete lack of interest in most of their shopping days. Ashlyn says she admires Christen’s organization, but the constant planning would stress her out.

 

Kelley gets the opposite feeling from spending time with Christen. Knowing someone else has everything under control gives Kelley the freedom to enjoy her trip without that voice in the back of her head asking if she's forgetting something or if she's really making the most of her time. She knows she is, because Christen wouldn't have it any other way. 

 

She knows she won the roommate lottery, which is why doing things like teaching Christen how to smoke a joint feels so important, even if it seems small and insignificant. Because Christen does so much for Kelley, whether she knows it or not, Kelley seizes every opportunity to come through when the tables turn and Christen needs her.

 

She doesn't realize how long she's been savoring her first drag—or is it her second?—till Christen says “Kel?” in a soft, unsure voice, and Kelley opens her eyes. “I want to try.”

 

“Yeah,” Kelley says, placing the joint in her fingers and showing her how to hold it. “Now bring it to your lips, but don't suck on it like it's a straw,” she warns. “Just… gently, just like that.”

 

Christen’s studious gaze must have taught her a thing or two, because she looks like she knows exactly what she's doing when she sucks in and inhales, despite a slight cough at first.

 

“You're good, you're fine,” Kelley assures her as she exhales. “You won't feel anything right away, but it should set in soon. You can take another if you want, though.”

 

“Practice makes perfect,” Christen says, bringing the joint back to her lips. This time it's such a perfect hit that Kelley almost expects Christen to start blowing smoke rings and laughing at her for believing she could be inexperienced at anything.

 

They pass the joint back and forth, Christen becoming more comfortable with it every time. Kelley has never been all that into smoking—it's more of a fun social activity than anything else—but watching Christen’s cheeks when she inhales makes Kelley understand why people do it with their significant others. But maybe that's just the weed getting to her.

 

Kelley finishes it off and looks up at Christen, who seems to be taking in the room in a completely different way.

 

“How do you feel?”

 

“High, I guess,” Christen giggles. “It feels a little weird, but kind of nice.”

 

“Yeah,” Kelley agrees. “It feels a little different when you drink, so if you want to do that tonight, just be careful. And stick with me.”

 

“If you aren't off somewhere with Diana,” Christen teases.

 

“I won't be,” Kelley says. “Why do you keep saying that, anyway?”

 

“Saying what?”

 

“I don't know, just bringing her up at every opportunity. It feels like you're making fun of me.”

 

“I'm not!” Christen says. “I'm not, I promise. I just know you wanted this trip to be all about banging hot chicks and whatever.”

 

“Oh my God,” Kelley groans. “I was kidding. I mean, I wasn't totally kidding, but this is way better.”

 

“What's way better?”

 

“This,” Kelley says, motioning between them. “Hanging out with you. Girls in Paris are the same as girls anywhere, they just have cool accents and smoke more cigarettes, which is gross if you ask me.”

 

“Does Diana smoke?”

 

“I'm putting a ban on her name coming out of your mouth for the rest of the weekend,” Kelley deadpans. “My point is, there will be girls throughout my whole lifetime. How often do I get to see Versailles and the Eiffel Tower and Notre Dame?”

 

Christen smiles. “You have a point.”

 

“I know I do,” Kelley says with an overly dramatic eye roll.

 

“So what do you usually do when you get high?”

 

“I don't usually do anything,” Kelley says. “It doesn't happen that often. I haven't since…”

 

“Oh, that's a story,” Christen says knowingly. “Who was she?”

 

“A girl I dated over the summer,” Kelley says. “We ended things before I came back to school. It wasn't anything serious, we’d just hang out and hook up.”

 

“And smoke weed.”

 

“Like I said, sex is better,” Kelley teases.

 

“And kissing?”

 

“And kissing.” Kelley tries not to fixate on Christen’s lips when she says that, but her head is kind of foggy and it's hard.

 

“Kiss me,” Christen says, shaking Kelley from her stupor.

 

“What?” Kelley laughs, incredulous. “Absolutely not.”

 

“Why? I can tell you want to.”

 

Kelley fumbles for her words, but her tongue feels like it's doubled in size.

 

“I just mean you were saying how good it is to kiss when you're high. And I'm only going to be high while we’re here, and it would be pretty mean of you to brag about how great it is and not let me see for myself.”

 

Kelley wants to protest, but she comes up short of ways to defy Christen’s logic. After all, there's nothing wrong with kissing someone who asks you to kiss them. Unless, of course, you might have feelings for that person and worry that kissing them might complicate those feelings even further. But Christen doesn't seem concerned about that, so even if that were the case for Kelley—which it's not, she's quick to assure herself mentally—she should probably suck it up and kiss the girl already. 

 

“I—I can't kiss you when you're high for the very first time,” Kelley says. “It would ruin that whole trust thing.”

 

“Fine,” Christen says.

 

Kelley lets out a sigh of relief, but she barely has time to recover before Christen’s leaning forward and—“Oh,” Kelley breathes in the half-second between Christen’s hand grazing her cheek and Christen’s lips pressing against her own.

 

“You said you couldn't kiss me,” Christen says, shifting so her knee is practically in Kelley’s lap. “You didn't say anything about me kissing you. Now you know I'm serious, so kiss me for real. Come on.”

 

“Chris,” Kelley hisses. She looks around them and nobody is paying them any mind, but she feels embarrassed anyway. “Stop, this is not smart.”

 

“Why, are you afraid I'm going to fall in love with you?” Christen teases, rolling her eyes. “You're not that good of a kisser.”

 

“Hey!”

 

“Well if you were I wouldn't know it,” Christen says with a shrug.

 

If Kelley didn't have enough evidence that Christen knows just how to get under her skin already, that does it. She loses her head completely when challenged like that, so she leans forward and kisses Christen like she means it.

 

Somewhere deep down, in a place she pushes her feelings to when it's inconvenient to have them, like when Christen’s tongue is in her mouth, she thinks she actually does.

 

~

 

Kelley’s high lasts through their entire museum trip, but she can't tell if it's just from the weed or if she's still spinning from her 15-minute makeout session with Christen (who had agreed that kissing while high is definitely better).

 

Christen, on the other hand, seems back to her normal self, if slightly more excited and confident about their night out. She’d even jumped ahead of Kelley at the coffeeshop on the way to dinner to order their supplies, but she was in over her head, so she called Kelley in for backup.

 

Dinner with the girls turns into dinner with half the group, including Dave, one of the few guys on the trip (who also happens to have a thing for HAO), and Diana. Kelley can't take her eyes off Christen the whole time, and she tells herself she's just keeping an eye on her to make sure she's feeling alright, but it doesn't hurt that Christen’s entire presence is a beacon of light when she's smiling and talking passionately about absolutely anything.

 

Heather and Ashlyn team up to find a fun but still somewhat classy place to go out in the Red Light District, and the rest of their crew just goes along for the ride, decidedly happy as long as there's alcohol and dancing.

 

Christen shows off her newfound weed-smoking expertise, winking at Kelley from across the circle when she takes the first drag of a joint. After Kelley has a few hits of her own, she wishes everyone else would leave so she could kiss Christen again, for longer this time. Maybe they could even escape back to their hotel room and kiss in peace. Kelley would be lying if that's where the fantasy stops, but she has to excuse herself for another drink when it goes too far.

 

They'll argue about the specifics later, but someone (Ashlyn, who claims it was Kelley) convinces someone else (Kelley, but Ashlyn claims it was her) to do a round of shots. And then another. Then another joint between them, and then a final round of shots. The only things Kelley remembers after the third round are brief snapshots of her and Ashlyn stumbling drunkenly around the city trying to track down the rest of their friends, Christen’s phone ringing and going to voicemail a million times, Diana finally wrangling them all together, and someone helping Kelley get into bed.

 

The familiar shooting pain in the back of her head indicating a hangover is the first thing Kelley is fully aware of, and she hears a loud groan escape her mouth without her consent.

 

Christen giggles softly, and Kelley blinks her eyes open to see her just waking up as well in the bed next to hers. It must be a European thing, because this hotel is just as bad as their dorm in Paris when it comes to close beds.

 

“I'm just glad you're alive,” Christen says, her voice scratchy. “It was touch and go there for a while.”

 

Kelley tries to open her mouth to form words, and that's when she tastes the back of her teeth. A wave of nausea comes over her as she suddenly remembers how many times she threw up the night before, giving her the burst of energy she needs to get to the bathroom and puke again.

 

“Water,” Christen offers when Kelley walks back into the room after brushing her teeth thoroughly. She's sitting up in her bed now, her hair in a messy bun and her makeup-less face looking the exact opposite of how Kelley feels. “How are you doing?”

 

Kelley grunts in response.

 

“So I take it we’re bailing on brunch with the gals?”

 

“You can go,” Kelley says, burying herself underneath the covers.

 

Christen shrugs. “I'm not really hungry,” she says. “Besides, I didn't plug my phone in last night, so I need to charge it if we’re going to do more sightseeing tonight.”

 

“Just let me finish this bottle and puke it back up before you say anything more about sightseeing,” Kelley grumbles.

 

Christen smiles before going back to her phone, which is finally charged enough to turn off. “Oh my God, you called me 36 times!” she laughs. “You left me a three-minute voicemail too.”

 

“What could I have possibly rambled on about for three minutes?” Kelley asks, but before she can think better of what that might be, it's too late.

 

Christen has the phone to her ear, and her eyes are squinted like she's focusing. She laughs once, then again. “This must have been a butt dial,” she says. “You and Ashlyn are such idiots.” She keeps listening and laughs a few more times before her jaw drops.

 

“What?” Kelley asks, sitting up.

 

Christen listens to the rest of the voicemail then looks at her phone screen, stunned. She looks up at Kelley while her finger hovers over the screen, like she's deciding whether to delete it. She seems to make her decision when she hands it over. “You should hear this.”

 

As soon as Kelley presses play, Christen starts biting her lip, then her thumb, watching her.

 

Kelley can't hear anything at first, just voices that sound distant and the rustle of her jacket pocket, probably. The voices become clearer, and she can hear herself singing a song some Dutch guy taught them the night before. Ashlyn joins in, and then they're both laughing.

 

“I should call Christen again,” Kelley hears herself say. “Where did they go? I miss them.”

 

“I think we were the ones who went somewhere,” Ashlyn laughs. She says something else Kelley can't make out, but it's the next part that explains Christen’s strange reaction.

 

“I think I'm in love with her, dude,” Kelley’s voice says.

 

“Diana?” That's Ashlyn again.

 

“No way,” Kelley answers. “Christen. She's just so perfect. She's so pretty and so fun and she makes plans. Did you know today was her first time smoking weed?”

 

“No way!” Ashlyn exclaims.

 

“Yeah, and we made out,” Kelley says. “I think she just wanted to see what it was like, but I never wanted to stop kissing her. She's perfect. She's so nice and soft and pretty.”

 

“That's how I feel about Ali,” Ashlyn says. “Whoa, does that mean I'm in love with her?”

 

“I've never been in love before, but I am definitely in love with her,” drunk Kelley continues. “Can you believe we’re both in love?”

 

Kelley feels like she's in physical pain listening now, so she takes the phone from her ear and looks down at it rather than looking back at Christen. 

 

“It was funny,” Christen says softly. Now Kelley really doesn't want to look at her. “Kelley, come on, you were drunk, I'm not, like, weirded out by it or anything.”

 

Kelley stays quiet.

 

“I liked making out with you too,” Christen says. “It doesn't mean you're… can you look at me?”

 

Kelley finally looks up, cracking a slight smile. “Sorry I told her you hadn't smoked before.”

 

Christen rolls her eyes. “Yeah, traitor,” she laughs. “I've never gotten to hear something nice someone’s said about me behind my back before.”

 

“Well it's all true,” Kelley says. “I mean, the parts about you being pretty and nice and… whatever.”

 

“Right,” Christen says. “Well, thanks. And thanks for saying I'm a good kisser. I wasn't sure because you didn't even try to kiss me at all last night, even when you were in my lap in the cab home.”

 

“Hey, I'm chivalrous,” Kelley says. “Even drunk.”

 

“Yeah, except I was asking you to,” Christen reminds her. “You still wouldn't, you said I was too drunk. You were not really in a place to talk, by the way.”

 

Kelley turns red again. “Maybe you shouldn't have been drunk when you asked me,” she teases.

 

“I'm not drunk now.”

 

“No, you aren't.”

 

“So I'm asking.”

 

“Why?” Kelley isn't fully convinced yet that she isn't still asleep and dreaming.

 

“Because you're a good kisser,” Christen says, turning onto her side and propping her head up on her elbow. “And because it's Europe and both of us came here for romance on some level. So the better question is why not? If you can come up with a good answer to that, you're more than welcome to not kiss me and we can forget any of this every happened.”

  
Kelley racks her brain for reasons for about 1.3 seconds before she realizes a beautiful girl is practically begging her for a kiss. Kelley can count on one hand the number of times that's happened in her life, and she's certainly not in a position to turn her down, so with a final swipe of her tongue across her teeth to make sure her breath is still minty fresh, she gives into Christen’s desires (and maybe, on some level, the same one way deep down where her feelings go to hide till a later time, she gives into her own too).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooooo?? feelingssss?


	5. if they're in love, where am i?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley and Christen define their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh helloooo there. sorry for leaving y'all hanging, but this one came roaring back, so i'm hoping the inspiration keeps coming :) thanks for being so patient with me!
> 
> let me know what you think <3

Kelley knows they need rules, but it's an inconvenient fact that she decides to push away till they're back in Paris. Part of her hopes Christen will bring it up first. Christen is the planner, after all. She's always thinking at least five steps ahead of Kelley, so surely she has a plan for whatever she and Kelley are doing now.

 

Christen doesn't seem particularly concerned, but Kelley sees the way her eyes narrow when Diana is around and knows she needs to take matters into her own hands to prevent any future misunderstandings.

 

“Spaghetti?” Kelley asks when they finally get back to their hotel room around dinnertime.

 

“I'd rather just kiss you,” Christen teases, sitting up on her knees at the edge of her bed to wrap her arms around Kelley’s neck.

 

“Later,” Kelley promises. “But I have to eat first.” She sees the twinkle in Christen’s eyes and presses a finger to her lips. “Don't even think about making the joke I know you want to make.”

 

“You're no fun,” Christen pouts, but she doesn't resist further, bouncing off the bed to grab her purse. “My treat.”

 

Christen rolls her eyes when Kelley brings up setting ground rules, but she doesn't argue.

 

“I just want to be clear,” Kelley says. “The last thing I want is to hurt—for either one of us to get hurt.”

 

Christen smirks. “You don't think I'll be able to resist falling in love with the Kelley O’Hara?”

 

“Shut up,” Kelley says. “I just don’t want you to regret spending your trip with me. You were talking about some great European romance, and I don't want to take that from you.”

 

“Kelley,” Christen says. “I’d rather hang out with you than anyone else on this trip. And I'd way rather hook up with you than have a fling with some random person I meet. We’re like a third of the way through the trip already and I haven't met anyone like that.”

 

“That's because you've been hanging out with me.”

 

Christen shrugs. “You're fun. It doesn't hurt that you're a good kisser.”

 

“Great.”

 

“Mhm,” Christen murmurs around her straw. “Whatever you say. It's also way easier to talk about sexual history with you than someone who speaks French.”

 

“I'm clean,” Kelley promises, putting her hands up as if she could somehow prove it that way.

 

“We’ll see,” Christen muses. “There's a clinic on the walk to school from the Metro.”

 

“You're joking.”

 

“Sexual health is not a joke, my friend.”

 

“This is getting less romantic by the second.”

 

“Clean STI screenings are super romantic,” Christen says. “Plus I thought it wasn't supposed to be romantic.”

 

“Well yeah, but we can still like, do cute shit like have picnics and make out at the top of the Eiffel Tower.”

 

“Yeah, how have we not done that yet? Gone to the top, not made out there. I get why we haven't done that yet.”

 

“You tell me, Madam Itinerary.”

 

Christen nods. “I’ll push it up on the list.”

 

“And what are we going to tell people?”

 

“When they ask why we’re making out at the top of the Eiffel Tower?”

 

“Exactly.”

 

Christen smiles. “Do you have an answer prepared for everything you do?”

 

“I wouldn't say that.”

 

“Then who cares? We don't have roommates to worry about. Our friends already think we’re banging.”

 

“What?” Kelley exclaims.

 

“When you and Ashlyn went missing the other night, Ali said something about it,” Christen shrugs. “I figured they would have asked you too.”

 

Kelley feels heat in her cheeks. “They didn't.”

 

“Well whatever, it'll be true soon enough.”

 

“Yeah, like a week after we have that hella romantic clinic visit,” Kelley grumbles.

 

“That's the spirit,” Christen teases, leaning across the table to kiss Kelley. “This is good, right?”

 

“Yeah, you weren't kidding about that vegetarian lasagna being delicious,” Kelley says, her tongue darting out to lick Christen’s chin playfully.

 

~

 

It quickly becomes clear to all their friends that something has shifted between Kelley and Christen, but they refrain from most PDA when they're around their friends, so Kelley seizes every opportunity to be alone with Christen, even if it's just on the train to school every morning.

 

Even better than those moments are the moments when they're really alone in their room, all frantic lips and wandering hands, getting worked up quickly before one of them—whoever has the clearest mind—brings it to a screeching halt.

 

It's the following Thursday when they're lying in their beds, keeping a purposeful distance from each other, that Christen’s eyes light up. “Check your email,” she says, setting her book on her nightstand and pushing her glasses up her nose.

 

“Why?” Kelley asks, navigating to the email app on her phone. Her eyes flit to Christen, who looks thrilled. “Oh.”

 

Christen lifts an eyebrow. “So?”

 

Kelley opens the email from the clinic and grins, turning it to face Christen. “Good to go.”

 

“Me too,” Christen says, showing Kelley her own results.

 

“So.”

 

“So.”

 

“We should…” Christen says, moving to take her glasses off.

 

“Stop,” Kelley says, reaching for her hand.

 

“Do you not want to…” Christen looks alarmed.

 

“No, I do,” Kelley says. “Just… leave those on.”

 

After all the build-up of the past week, it doesn't take long for Kelley and Christen to undress each other, clothes landing in a haphazard pile on the floor, mixing together just like their wardrobes have in the time they've been living together. If it weren't for Christen’s preference for bikini style and Kelley’s refusal to wear anything other than boy shorts, they probably wouldn't know whose underwear was whose by this point.

 

They don't take turns really, not on purpose anyway. From the time their clothes are shed, their hands are everywhere and Kelley doesn't even know how or when Christen’s tongue made its way to her inner thighs, just that once it's  _ there _ , right where she needs it, she never wants it anywhere else.

 

Kelley takes her time with Christen, her fingertips unable to get enough of Christen’s soft skin as they travel over her arched back and firm ass and then down her torso, pressing into her abs, where she's softer than Kelley is, lacking the hard muscles Kelley thinks she might be losing herself thanks to all the French bread she's been eating. On Christen, though, the softness feels perfect. She's skinny but strong, and Kelley feels like she’s getting to know her on a brand new level like this.

 

Christen loses patience with Kelley, pulling her hands down exactly where she wants them and sighing with relief when Kelley presses into her, touching the softest parts of her and eliciting even softer moans.

 

Christen’s thighs clench as Kelley’s bottom lip is between her teeth, and Kelley doesn't even care that she can taste blood when she can feel Christen’s heart racing underneath her own as she shakes with pleasure.

 

“God,” Christen breathes. “You're good at that.”

 

“You're not bad yourself.”

 

Christen opens her mouth like she's going to say something else, but she rethinks it. “Practice makes perfect.”

 

“Is that your way of saying you want to practice with me a lot more?”

 

“Absolutement,” Christen says, her American accent butchering her French in the most adorable way as she kisses Kelley on the nose.

 

~

 

The next morning, Christen sings when she's getting ready for school. She's off-key most of the time, but she seems happy.

 

“Can I take you on a date today?” Kelley asks.

 

“What?” Christen laughs. “Why?”

 

“I feel bad.”

 

“For what?”

 

“Having sex with you before wining and dining you.”

 

Christen rolls her eyes. “You're so old-fashioned.”

 

“I don't think you can call anything we did last night old-fashioned.”

 

“I thought this wasn't dating.”

 

“It's not,” Kelley insists. “It's just, like, I still want you to have a romantic Paris trip.”

 

“I don't know, it’s starting to sound like you're the one who's interested in romance,” Christen teases. “If we didn't leave this room for the rest of the trip, I'd be perfectly content doing that.”

 

“Liar.”

 

“Fine, you can take me on a date,” Christen says, letting out a heavy sigh. “Pick me up at 6?”

 

~

 

When they get on the elevator to the top of the Eiffel Tower, Kelley suddenly remembers why they haven't done this yet.

 

“Your heart is racing,” Christen whispers as she holds Kelley’s hand, rubbing the back of it with her thumb. “Are you okay? I know you're scared of heights.”

 

“I'm not,” Kelley insists, but Christen clearly doesn't believe her. “I’m not! I'm just scared of falling. But HAO said it's all enclosed at the top. Once I see it, I'll be fine.”

 

“If you're sure,” Christen says, slipping her fingers through Kelley’s. Kelley nods, smiling tightly and gripping Christen’s hand tighter.

 

Kelley is the last one to step off the elevator, right behind Christen, who keeps a loose grip on Kelley’s hand.

 

“Oh, Kel, it's gorgeous,” Christen breathes, pulling her toward the glass. When Kelley turns her head to take in her surroundings, she exhales. Nobody else looks nervous, and it's easy to see why. It just feels like they're on the top floor of a very stable hotel. People brush past them, murmuring “excuse me” in several languages as they maneuver around the cramped space. Suddenly, Kelley’s hand is free of Christen’s, and she turns in a panic to see where she is, but she's gone.

 

“Chris?” Kelley asks, trying to keep her voice down. “Christen. Press?”

 

“Champagne?” Christen asks, at her side again, this time with two champagne flutes.

 

“How did you—”

 

“There's a place right over there,” Christen laughs, nodding her head toward a stand with a menu of different champagne options starting at far too many euros.

 

“This is my date,” Kelley whines. “You can't buy champagne.”

 

“Of course I can,” Christen says, leaning forward to peck Kelley on the lips. “Take it and watch the sunset with me, cutie.”

 

Once Kelley takes the glass from her, Christen gently nudges her toward the window, where there's a railing to hold onto. The sun is going down, and Kelley knows it'll only be a matter of time before the lights on the Eiffel Tower turn on. She's seen them plenty of times from the lawn in front of the tower, she's just never been in it. 

 

She can see the Arc de Triomphe, where she and Christen had gone on one of their very first nights in the city while everyone else was getting ready for their first night at a club. She can see people, smaller than ants, milling about the streets. She lets herself imagine what they might be doing.

 

It's a Friday night, so there must be plenty of couples on dates. She wonders about the people on the lawn, tourists mostly, and what they are up to. There has to be at least one engagement tonight, right? Plenty are probably on honeymoons.

 

For the slightest moment, she lets herself melt into Christen’s embrace and imagine that this is real, that they could be the couple walking hand in hand to dinner, the couple shrieking with delight on the lawn, gazing at a new diamond ring that fits perfectly, the couple celebrating the first day of the rest of their lives together.

 

Kelley feels a soft breath before Christen’s lips brush her neck. “What are you thinking about?”

 

“About what would happen if this glass just broke.”

 

“You are not,” Christen laughs, kissing her just behind her ear. “You look all dreamy.”

 

“Maybe I was just thinking about how we need to get down alive so we can have another night like last night.”

 

“Now that I can believe,” Christen laughs, her arms wrapping around Kelley’s waist, creating goosebumps under Kelley’s jacket. “Are you happy?”

 

“Hm?”

 

“I'm really happy right now,” Christen says.

 

With the notable exception of her annoyance with Kelley after the Diana Incident, Christen wears her heart on her sleeve, never too cool to admit exactly how she feels. Kelley wants more than anything to match Christen’s extremes, from intense disappointment when she found out a Monet exhibit just left a museum they visited to excitement upon getting a 100 on a cupcake writing assignment about their visit to Normandy. Right now is the closest she's ever gotten to that, knowing that her heart could burst she's so happy. For some reason, though, she can't give voice to that. Instead, she shrugs. Instead, she makes a joke.

 

“I can think of a way to make you even happier,” Kelley says with a smirk, turning to face Christen before pushing up on her toes and kissing Christen gently, at first, then deeper as Christen allows.

 

Kelley can feel eyes on them, and she wonders how Christen feels about it, but she doesn't stop kissing her. She can taste the champagne on Christen’s lips when they part to allow Kelley’s tongue. She gasps when Christen presses her against the rail, her stomach dropping even though she knows the glass and guardrails are still there to protect her from falling.

 

Well, they'll protect her from falling off the tower, anyway.

  
As her heart returns to normal—well, as normal as it can be when Christen’s lips are on hers—Kelley finds herself wishing she had some of those guardrails for her heart.


	6. give into love or live in fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christen and Kelley try to make the most of their time together.

“Can you two stop making out for like ten seconds?” Heather asks drily, leaning against the pole on the crowded Metro. She stares at Kelley pointedly because she still doesn’t feel like she knows Christen well enough to tease her like that.

 

“You’re just jealous because you left your man at home,” Kelley shoots back, pulling far enough away from Christen that she isn’t tempted to lean back in, but she links her pinky with Christen’s for good measure.

 

“Well if I had known this trip would be hookup central,” Heather grumbles, looking toward Ali, who is perched on Ashlyn’s lap in the last seat that was open on the train when they got on.

 

“You would have what, hooked up with HAO?” Christen teases. Maybe they are on that level after all.

 

“Just because Dave isn’t here right now doesn’t mean I appreciate that,” HAO says. “You’re a babe, though, Mitts.”

 

Heather flips her hair and rolls her eyes good-naturedly. “Can we at least play our game at the Louvre?”

 

Their “game” is simple, but Kelley hasn’t taken part since she and Christen began their little thing. Partly inspired by Kelley’s hookup with Diana, which the whole group (including the teachers) knows about by now, the girls had been competing to see who could get the tour guides’ Instagrams or Snapchats quickest. Heather tends to win with the guys, while Kelley can usually get the girls in five minutes flat. Ali could give both of them a run for their money, but she’s usually too busy staring into Ashlyn’s eyes, and Christen thinks it’s a stupid game to waste her time on when she could actually be listening to the tour guides and their enriching knowledge.

 

“This is us, guys,” Christen pipes up when the train comes to a stop. She lets go of Kelley’s hand so she can be the first one on the platform, ready to lead the group to where they’re headed using her God-given sense of direction.

 

Kelley hangs back with HAO, taking Snapchat selfies with the latest filters as they try not to get hit by cars. For someone who is otherwise very much a rule follower, Christen doesn’t believe in crosswalk signs at all.

 

“You’re late,” Diana calls to them when they show up. Her voice sounds cross, but her face gives her away. Chances are she showed up barely thirty seconds prior.

 

“What will it take for you to forgive us?” Kelley asks. She can see Christen frowning in the corner of her eye.

 

“You can buy me a coffee inside.”

 

“They sell coffee at the Louvre?” Ashlyn muses.

 

“There’s an Apple Store too,” Ali says. “Remember? We literally came here like two days ago.”

 

Ashlyn shrugs, her face blank. “All I can remember is how beautiful you looked.”

 

Ali rolls her eyes, smacking her girlfriend playfully. That’s an official thing now, something Kelley noted out loud to Christen this morning as she scrolled through Facebook. “Good for them” was Christen’s toothpaste-filled response.

 

“Coffee it is, Princess Diana,” Kelley teases. “Sorry, Goddess.”

 

Christen isn’t at all subtle when she rolls her eyes this time, nor when she grabs Kelley’s hand and kisses it. If Diana notices, though, she doesn’t pay her any mind.

 

“You’re cute when you’re jealous,” Kelley murmurs.

 

“I”m not jealous,” Christen snaps. “And I’m always cute.”

 

“That’s for sure,” Kelley confirms, kissing her cheek to soften Christen’s demeanor. It works, if only for a few moments before Diana starts speaking again, this time to the full group gathered inside.

 

The tour guide today is a man who looks to be in his 80s who almost certainly does not have an Instagram or Snapchat account, but if he did, Heather would win immediately. She and Christen stay toward the front of the group, asking questions and nodding along to his answers.

 

“How many times have you been here?” Kelley whispers to Diana, who is stifling a yawn.

 

“At least a hundred,” Diana replies. “When I was younger I was determined to see everything, but some of it is just so damn boring.”

 

Kelley laughs. “I used to love art museums because of all the boobs.”

 

“You mean you don’t anymore?” Diana teases.

 

“Nah, I prefer the real thing.”

 

“Yeah, I noticed,” Diana says with a smirk. She nods toward Christen, who is looking intently at a painting of baby Jesus. “So, you and Christen?”

 

Kelley shrugs. “Keep it on the down low.”

 

“My lips are sealed,” Diana says, motioning as if to zip her lips. “She’s cute.”

 

“She’s gorgeous.”

 

“She doesn’t like me much.” She doesn’t say it in a self-deprecating way, just as a matter of fact.

 

“Can you blame her? You got to fuck me first.”

 

“Yeah, but she gets to fuck you constantly,” Diana says, her voice barely above a whisper, which Kelley appreciates. “I should be the one who hates her.”

 

Kelley laughs. “Good luck with that. I’m pretty sure she’s impossible not to adore.” She looks back up to catch Christen glaring at them before looking away when she realizes she’s been found out.

 

“Like I said,” Diana says.

 

Kelley separates herself from Diana slowly, making her way to the other side of the group, but when they’re transitioning between rooms, Christen grabs her arm.

 

“I’m going to the bathroom.”

 

“Okay,” Kelley says. “Have fun.”

 

Christen narrows her eyes. “Kelley, I need to go to the bathroom,” she grits out. “Come with me.” She practically yanks Kelley’s arm toward the bathroom, and Kelley doesn’t understand what she’s really saying till she gets pulled into a single-stall family bathroom and pinned against the door by Christen’s alarmingly strong arms.

 

“Oh,” Kelley breathes.

 

“Mona Lisa is in the next room,” Christen says. “We have to be quick.”

 

She is quick—and dirty—as promised, one hand gripping Kelley’s neck as she fucks her with the other, Kelley’s jeans unzipped just enough for Christen to fit her hands under the waistband. Christen whispers things to Kelley she’s never heard even in the filthiest of HBO movies, and it doesn’t take long for Kelley to come with a loud whimper into the back of her own hand.

 

“Fuck, Chris,” Kelley breathes as Christen licks her fingers. Her knees buckle, and Christen reaches to catch her before she falls to the ground. “Just let me die happy right here and now.”

 

Christen giggles, a sound that seems so inappropriate after what she just did to Kelley. “Shit, we gotta go.”

  
“Wait, I was gonna do you,” Kelley says.

 

“Hot,” Christen laughs, fixing her hair in the mirror. “Jacques just said we’re moving to the room with the Mona Lisa.”

 

“What?” Kelley asks, furrowing her brow in confusion. Then she sees it. “Christen Press, did you have the fucking earpiece in the whole time?”

 

Christen nods sheepishly.

 

“You are completely depraved,” Kelley says, her eyes widening in awe. “Completely and totally fucked up.”

 

Christen smirks. “I didn’t hear you complaining two minutes ago.”

 

“Complaining?” Kelley asks, feigning shock. “Babe, it’s the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.”

 

“Babe?”

 

“Isn’t that something you can call the person who just made you see stars in the bathroom at the Louvre?”

 

“I would say that’s a pretty specific event that probably doesn’t have much of a precedent.”

 

“So we can set our own.”

 

“Babe,” Christen says, rubbing her lips together afterwards like she’s trying to break it in.

 

“Babe,” Kelley repeats, leaning in to taste the word on Christen’s lips. “I take back what I said about you being cute when you’re jealous. You’re actually really fucking hot when you’re jealous.”

 

“Oh my God, I’m not jealous,” Christen groans.

 

“Oh please. You saw me talking to Diana and you couldn’t stake your claim fast enough.”

 

“Whatever, that’s like human nature,” Christen says. “Competing for mates and all that. It’s evolution.”

 

“I don’t know if you know this, but I can’t make babies with you,” Kelley laughs.

 

Christen rolls her eyes. “Good thing I don’t want kids then.”

 

Before Kelley can respond, she hears a loud crackle and faint talking. “The goddamn earpiece,” she groans.

 

“Come on, babe,” Christen teases, pressing it into her ear firmly. “We’re gonna miss Mona.”

 

~

 

Kelley can’t stop thinking about what happened in the bathroom for days. Not the sex part, but the part after. The babe thing, then Christen saying she doesn’t want kids. Kelley felt like she had whiplash by the time they got to the Mona Lisa.

 

Every time they walk past a family with small children, Kelley’s mind flashes to that because it boggles her mind. Christen is the most maternal person she knows, with the exception of maybe Heather, who is known for taking care of all the younger girls in the sorority. It’s practically a rite of passage to get your hair held back by Heather after a frat party.

 

“Seriously not ever?” Kelley presses again after they pass their fourth toddler of the afternoon.

 

“Never,” Christen says. “My sisters will probably have kids. I’m fine being the cool aunt. Plus, if I end up with a woman forever, I don’t want to be pregnant. And if I’m not willing to do it, I wouldn’t want her to be forced to do it.”

 

“Some people want to be pregnant!”

 

“Do you?”

 

“I mean, not particularly, but—”

 

Christen smirks, taking a sip of coffee as if to say “point made.”

 

“There’s always adoption.”

 

“I guess, but it seems like a hassle,” Christen shrugs. “Why do you care so much?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“You haven’t stopped obsessing over this for a week,” Christen says. “It’s like you’ve never met a woman who doesn’t want to be a mom before. I’m not some freak of nature.”

 

“I didn’t say that, I just—you’d be such a good mom.”

 

“Jesus, Kel, lay off,” Christen groans. “It’s not like it’ll ever affect you.”

 

“Sorry?”

 

“My not wanting to have kids,” Christen says with a laugh. “You and I won’t ever have to agree on that.”

 

“Right,” Kelley mumbles. “Sorry, I just—”

 

“It’s fine,” Christen says. “My parents grill me at every opportunity. Once Tyler has kids they’ll shut up. Hey, wanna go to that street fair Ali told us about?”

 

Kelley’s stomach feels upset, and she frowns. “I think I’m going to head back. I need to do some studying.”

 

“I thought you said you didn’t have any tests coming up.” Christen’s face is etched with concern.

 

Kelley doesn’t really, but suddenly she doesn’t want to be walking around town with Christen. Usually she can forget about how temporary all of this is, but then Christen makes a comment like that, about her future having nothing to do with Kelley, and the facade comes crashing down and it all feels so fake and empty.

 

What good is it walking around Paris with your arm around a beautiful girl when you know it’s just a dream you’ll have to wake up from eventually? It’s a dream with a countdown clock ticking faster every day, and Kelley is hyper-aware of the fact that in two weeks, two days, and 17 hours she’ll have to wake up. Just thinking about it is like being doused in cold water.

 

“I just remembered I have some reading to catch up on.”

 

“Okay, I’ll walk you back,” Christen says. “I’m sure I can get ahead on some assignments.”

 

“No,” Kelley says. “Go to the fair. I’ll text you when I’m done and we can meet up for dinner or something.”

 

“You sure? I don’t want you getting lost.”

 

“Yeah.” Kelley pecks her on the lips to reassure her. “Don’t worry, I know what I’m doing.”

 

~

 

Once she's back at the dorm, Kelley tries to focus on her reading, but she can't get Christen’s voice out of her head. How is she so cool about this while it's eating Kelley up inside to know that their arrangement has an expiration date? She's the one who wanted something special and romantic. Kelley just wanted to cross “ménage-a-trois with two cute French girls” off her bucket list. Sleeping with Christen is way more fun than that would have been, of course, but that's because she actually likes Christen.

 

Her mind flashes back to the voicemail she left Christen in Amsterdam. She had been so eager to cover up her mortifying confession that she’d thrown them headfirst into some ridiculous agreement in the hopes that Christen would see that Kelley is super cool and chill and not at all the type of girl who would fall in love with her roommate in a matter of weeks. Or had it been days?

 

Kelley’s not that person, anyway. Not since her soul-crushing days of falling in love with straight girls in high school.

 

Still, what else can explain the sick feeling in her stomach when she thinks about this trip coming to an end? She misses her family and friends from school and soccer. This trip was supposed to be more than enough time to enjoy Europe and still be happy to go home, but now she's dreading it with her whole heart.

 

Before she can talk herself out of it, she's speed-walking down the hall to Ashlyn and HAO’s room. She's not even sure who or what she's looking for, but when HAO opens the door, Kelley breathes a sigh of relief.

 

“Hey, what's up?” HAO asks.

 

“Is Ashlyn here?”

 

“Um, no. She's with Ali somewhere.”

 

“Good,” Kelley says, pushing past her to enter the room. “Can I come in?”

 

“Yeah,” HAO laughs, closing the door behind her. “Are you okay?”

 

“Yes,” Kelley says immediately. “Well, no. Everything is kind of awful actually.”

 

“What's wrong?” HAO sits on the edge of her bed while Kelley paces. “Breathe, Kel. Do you need water?”

 

“I fucked up,” Kelley says. “Big time. With Christen.”

 

“Oh God,” HAO says. “I knew it couldn't end well.”

 

“What?”

 

“I mean this in the most loving way possible, but I know you, Kel. You're an awesome friend, but you do have a way with women.”

 

“What's that supposed to mean?”

 

“Ann?” HAO says. “Lauren? Becca? Katie?” She lists all the girls Kelley has brought to different formals and date functions over the years. “They were all so into you. You're too charming for your own good. I know you would never hurt anyone on purpose, but—”

 

“I'm in love with Christen!” Kelley exclaims.

 

HAO’s eyes go wide. “Oh.”

 

“Yeah, thanks for the pep talk.”

 

“Kelley,” HAO sighs. “You know being in love with someone isn't a bad thing, right?”

 

“It is when you've agreed that you're just friends with benefits, and even then it's only until the trip is over.”

 

“Wasn't that your choice?”

 

“See? I told you I fucked up.”

 

“Have you told Christen how you feel?”

 

“Are you insane?”

 

HAO laughs. “Dude, remember that voicemail? The one where you said you were in love with her?”

 

“Please don't remind me.”

 

“All I'm saying is she agreed to do this weird non-relationship thing with you even after she heard that. What makes you think she wouldn't be interested in more?”

 

Kelley pauses to chew at her lip.

 

“What if she just agreed to go along with the friends with benefits charade because she thought it was what you wanted?”

 

“What if she didn't?”

 

HAO shrugs. “Then don't say anything and just keep going like this. It's just like, what's the worst that could happen? She already heard you confess your love to her. She shouldn't be surprised. If she feels the same, who knows what could happen long term? She could be your wife. If not, she says she would really rather just keep screwing you? Seems like a win-win.”

 

“You're right,” Kelley sighs, but her heart keeps beating out of her chest at the thought. “Why can't it just be as easy as it was for Ali and Ashlyn?”

 

“Are you kidding? Do you not think I had this exact conversation at least twice a night in this very room before Ashlyn got her shit together and asked Ali to be her girlfriend?”

 

“Oh please, everyone could see that coming from a mile away.”

 

“Sure, but if you could see yourself and Christen from the outside looking in, you'd think the same.”

 

“Knock knock!” Ali sings, opening the door. “Is Ash here?”

 

“No, we thought she was with you,” Kelley says.

 

Christen pokes her head in. “Did you finish your work, babe?”

 

HAO raises an eyebrow at Kelley, mouthing “babe.”

 

“Um, yeah, I just had HAO proofread.”

 

“I'm hurt!” Christen gasps in mock horror. “I got you a present at the market.”

 

“A few presents,” Ali teases.

 

Christen blushes and shakes her head, clutching her bags tighter. “Shut up. I'm going to go take a shower. Text me if you guys want to do something tonight.”

 

“That's an invitation for shower sex if I've ever heard one,” HAO jokes.

 

“In these showers?” Kelley laughs. “I can barely shave without getting a concussion.”

 

“That hasn't stopped her from trying though,” Christen says.

 

Kelley turns her blushing face away from the door as HAO smirks knowingly. She waits a few minutes before following Christen back to their room and takes a deep breath before opening the door.

 

“What took you so long?” Christen asks, folding her arms across her chest. “I thought for sure the present and me getting in the shower would lure you away.”

 

“I thought you were really showering,” Kelley laughs.

 

“I figured I'd need to after you see me in my new lingerie.”

 

“You bought lingerie at the street market?”

 

Christen shrugs. “I also bought you some chocolate. Ali figured you'd appreciate the underwear more.”

 

“She's probably right,” Kelley says, smiling as she feels the weight in her heart lessen. Christen was thinking of her after she left. She was thinking of her when trying on sexy lingerie. “What are you waiting for? Let's see it.”

 

~

 

Christen is toweling off her hair when Kelley works up the nerve to ask her what she's been thinking about since leaving HAO’s.

 

“Hey, do you have dinner plans tonight?”

 

“Nope. Wanna go somewhere?”

 

“Uh, yeah,” Kelley says. “Maybe we could go for a walk and stop by a crepe truck or something.”

 

“Picnic on the Eiffel lawn?” Christen asks with a smile.

 

“Exactly.”

 

“That sounds perfect,” Christen says. “Do you want to go ask the other girls while I get ready?”

 

“I was thinking maybe it could be just you and me?” Kelley tries to sound nonchalant.

 

Christen’s eyes sparkle. “Even better.”

 

Convincing Christen to let Kelley pay for dinner is always a hassle, but she finally gives in under the condition that she’ll buy the wine. They remember to get wine glasses, but they have to borrow a cork from another group on the lawn in order to actually open it.

 

“It's such a beautiful night,” Christen sighs, resting her head on Kelley’s shoulder as they lie on the blanket, looking up at the twinkling tower. “This was a good idea.”

 

Kelley feels her heart pick up in pace as she reaches down to take Christen’s hand, slipping her fingers through the spaces between Christen’s. She can feel Christen smile and nuzzle into her shoulder, squeezing her hand, and she kisses Christen’s forehead.

 

“I've been thinking,” Kelley says.

 

“Mm?” Christen hums in response.

 

“These past few weeks have been really amazing,” Kelley says.

 

“Isn't Paris wonderful?” Christen sighs, turning her body so her head is on Kelley’s chest. The hand that isn't linked with Kelley’s rests on Kelley’s stomach.

 

“Yeah,” Kelley says. “And ever since Amsterdam…”

 

Christen giggles. “Even more wonderful.”

 

“I just never want it to end.”

 

“Me neither,” Christen sighs. “It's like a dream you want to live in forever. The worst part is waking up.”

 

Kelley feels her heart race even faster. Exactly. That's all the proof she needs. “So let's just not.”

 

“What?”

 

“Would you ever choose to wake up from a perfect dream?”

 

“No,” Christen laughs. “But I think my family would miss me if I stayed here forever.”

 

“Not here here,” Kelley says. “But like, us. We don't have to be over when the trip is over. We don't have to wake up from this part.”

 

Silence. Kelley counts her heart beats to keep time. One. Two. Three.

 

More silence. Eight. Nine. Ten.

 

“That's not…” Christen starts, her voice barely above a whisper. “What are you talking about, Kel?”

 

“You and me. Why don’t we give it a shot?”

 

Christen laughs. She actually laughs.

 

“What?” Kelley snaps.

 

“Are you serious?” Christen asks, sitting up. “That’s not what we’re doing. That wasn’t what we agreed this was.”

 

“Yeah, but I changed my mind.”

 

“You can’t just do that,” Christen laughs again. “You can't change the rules just because you decide you don't like them anymore. We agreed, Kel.”

 

Kelley feels dizzy as her stomach does flips behind her ribs. “But you knew how I felt when you went into this. The voicemail…” 

 

“You were drunk when you left that voicemail.”

 

“Yeah, well you know what they say about drunk words and sober thoughts.”

 

“Kelley,” Christen sighs. “Babe.”

 

“Don't call me that!”

 

Christen pulls back in shock. “Okay.”

 

“I’m telling you I want to be with you, that I have feelings for you. Can you honestly say you don't feel the same?”

 

“Of course I have feelings for you,” Christen says. “You're one of my best friends.”

 

“How many of your best friends do you hold hands with and call babe and buy fucking lingerie sets to show off for?”

 

“None of them, but we talked about this!” Christen exclaims. “It's not fair that you're getting mad at me because I'm doing exactly what we agreed on. The whole point was so nobody would get their feelings hurt. Now I’m the one who has to do the hurting. It’s not fair to either one of us!”

 

“I think you’re scared.”

 

“And I think you’re not listening to me. You’ve been questioning me for over a week about why I don’t want to have kids, and the answer is I just don’t. I don’t have a reason here. I like you, you know that. But I don’t want a relationship beyond this.”

 

“This isn’t a relationship!”   
  


Christen purses her lips. “That’s your answer, then.”

 

Kelley stands up on the blanket, wiping stray grass from her legs. “I’m going to head back.”

  
“Alright, help me fold up the blanket,” Christen says, but Kelley already has her back turned, and she’s heading to the Metro—or at least where she thinks the Metro is. It’s always been Christen leading the way, but she’s way behind Kelley now with no chance of catching up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry


	7. to live like this could take its toll

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley tries to get used to a life in Paris without Christen.

Kelley wakes up to a soft voice in her ear. “Time to wake up, Kelley. Up and at ‘em.”

 

“Don't wanna,” she groans.

 

“You can't stay here all day,” the other woman laughs. “You have class.”

 

“Fuck class.”

 

“Fuck class or fuck Christen?”

 

“Don't say that,” Kelley says sharply, sitting up to face Diana.

 

“I didn't, you did. Last night after your fourth glass of wine.”

 

Kelley groans, lying back down and throwing a pillow over her face. That explains the throbbing headache and the fact that she's wearing the same clothes as last night. “We didn't, like…”

 

“No,” Diana says, rolling her eyes. “I wouldn't even if you’d asked.”

 

‘Liar,’ Kelley thinks, but she keeps her mouth shut. “Can I still crash here?”

 

“What, till the end of your program?” Diana laughs. “You should probably get your toothbrush at some point.”

 

“I will, I just… I can't face her.”

 

Diana sighs. “I'll get you an extra key from the front desk. But don't tell anyone. This is super against the rules.”

 

Kelley is in a slightly better mood when she has showered and changed into clothes Diana offered to let her borrow. It's well past the time Christen usually leaves for class, so she figures she can brave a trip back to her dorm room, but as soon as she opens the door, laughing at something Diana said, she's practically face to face with a bare-faced, pajama-clad Christen who's shuffling down the hall.

 

“Glad to see you're alive and well,” Christen says icily, glancing pointedly at Diana before looking back to Kelley. “Next time maybe bring a phone charger before falling off the face of the planet.”

 

Kelley wants to say something, wants to stop Christen as she walks the rest of the way down the hall, but she's frozen in silence. 

 

“She looks like shit,” Diana says. “Maybe she really does like you.”

 

~

 

Kelley gets her phone charger from the dorm she shares with Christen, but she doesn’t plug her phone in for two more days. She rarely leaves Diana’s room unless it's absolutely necessary, which it's not, considering it's the weekend and she doesn't have class. There are people she’d rather be spending time with, but they all know and love Christen. Diana is a safe haven from that world.

 

On Monday, she runs into Ali at breakfast. Everyone else seems to have left for class already, so they're the only two in the large room and she can't avoid her.

 

“Kel,” she sighs softly, but Kelley shakes her head. She doesn't think she has any tears left, but she also doesn't want to risk it. “We missed you this weekend.”

 

“What did Christen say?”

 

“That you're upset with her,” Ali says. “She didn't tell us anything about… Diana or whatever.”

 

“What about her?” Kelley snaps.

 

“I just… I know you've been staying with her. I thought maybe…”

 

“Does Christen think I'm sleeping with her?”

 

“No!” Ali exclaims. “I don't know. She hasn't said. She just said you two had a falling out.”

 

“If you can call it that.”

 

“I may be naive to believe this, but I'm almost positive you could work it out. Do you really want to spend the rest of your trip avoiding all your friends?”

 

Kelley knows Ali is right, but the idea of facing Christen scares her more every day. She already embarrassed herself enough confessing her love to someone who was never even close to interested.

 

“We’re going to Versailles this weekend,” Ali says. “We’d love to spend time with you. Think about it.”

 

“I will,” Kelley promises.

 

She finishes her breakfast mostly in silence, Ali's small talk filling the emptiness between them. She really does miss her friends, and part of her feels almost angry that she is missing out on time with them because Christen is just fine while Kelley is in pieces.

 

She decides not to brave school today, instead heading back upstairs to get more clothes from her room. As soon as she opens the door, though, she regrets it. The light is on and music is coming from Christen’s laptop on the nightstand. Christen, for her part, is curled up in bed facing away from the door, but she must hear Kelley come in, so it's too late to leave as if nothing happened.

 

“You're alive,” Christen says without sitting up or turning toward her.

 

“Yeah. I've been staying with—”

 

“I know,” Christen says bitterly, finally sitting up. “Everyone knows.” She isn't wearing makeup, and she looks like she hasn't slept in days. Kelley's initial reaction is to hug her, then to be angry, but she resists the first. 

 

“Why do you look like that?” Kelley snaps.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“You look how I feel,” Kelley says. “You don't get to be depressed about this.”

 

“I know,” Christen says. “How dare I be sad about losing a friend?”

 

“You know what I mean.”

 

“Kelley, I'm sad!” Christen exclaims. “I know I don't have any right to be upset about you hooking up with Diana—”

 

“I'm not!” Kelley says. “How can you think that little of me?”

 

“I wouldn't blame you,” Christen says. “If you did.”

 

“Well I didn't,” Kelley says. “I don't want to sleep with anyone else when I can't stop thinking about you.”

 

Christen’s lip quivers. “Kelley.”

 

“Don't you dare cry,” Kelley says.

 

“I care about you so much,” Christen says. “You’ve become one of my best friends in so little time, and I don't want to do the rest of this without you. I don't want to finish this trip with you upset with me.”

 

“I’m not upset with you, I’m upset with myself,” Kelley says. It feels like the first honest thing she’s said to anyone in days.

 

“But if I had known what you needed, I would have been able to tell you I couldn’t be that for you and saved us both a world of hurt. I would have been the best wingwoman you’ve ever met, but I wouldn’t have kissed you or slept with you, and we still would have had an amazing time together.” Christen’s voice catches. “I didn't mean for this to happen.”

 

“And I didn't mean to fall in love with you.”

 

Christen pauses, gnawing at her lip as she looks Kelley up and down. “I wish you hadn't.”

 

“Me too.” Kelley can’t help it, she glances down at Christen’s lips. It’s just a split second, but it’s long enough for Christen’s tongue to dart out, wetting them slightly, and it’s plenty of time for Kelley to surge forward, pinning Christen on her back. A quick nod of permission from Christen is all it takes for Kelley to press her lips against hers, kissing her breathless.

 

Kissing Christen makes Kelley feel alive again. It heightens all her senses, even the ones she’s been trying to avoid. Paris is always going to feel like Christen, smell like Christen, taste like Christen.

 

When she finally pulls away to tug her shirt over her own head, Christen sits up on her elbows. “Stop,” she says. “We can’t.”

 

Kelley doesn’t have to ask why, she can taste the first of many salty teardrops slide over her lips. “I think I’m going to request a room change.”

 

Christen nods. “That’s probably for the best.”

 

“I’m going to miss you.”

 

“I already miss you.”

 

Kelley packs her things in silence while Christen showers and changes in the bathroom. Kelley appreciates not having to see her wrapped in a towel with her hair loose and damp over her shoulders, but it’s an obvious indicator of the shift that has taken place between them, and that part hurts.

 

“Do you think we can be friends?” Christen asks.

 

Diana had taken care of the room situation in 20 minutes, but if that annoys Christen, she doesn’t show it. Technically, Kelley’s switching spots with Ali, but everyone knows Christen will probably end up rooming with HAO most nights. Kelley tries not to resent Ali and Ashlyn for that, but it’s hard.

 

“Maybe,” Kelley says. “Yeah, eventually.”

 

“I don’t want to ruin your trip,” Christen says. “If you want to go to Versailles with everyone this weekend, you should. I’ll stay back.”

 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Kelley sighs. “We can coexist.”

 

“I liked being your friend more.”

  
Kelley wants to say something smart, something that would twist the knife a little deeper in Christen, something about how she should have thought about that before crushing Kelley’s heart, but she doesn’t. “Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's so damn bleak but like, the original ending of this chapter was a hell of a lot bleaker, so you're welcome?


	8. almost never hangs on forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christen and Kelley say goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all the lovely comments, especially those of you who are giving this pairing a chance for the first time :) i hope you'll come back for more!

Heather seems to know better than to ask Kelley about Christen, and being around her for a few hours makes Kelley wish she’d been her roommate from the beginning. She's funny and smart and has a Netflix account that works abroad, but best of all, she's straight. And taken. If she’d just roomed with Heather instead of insisting on a random roommate, she could have avoided all of this. But after a few days of Heather’s non-stop peppiness, Kelley yearns for the quiet moments with Christen, sitting in bed and reading side by side.

 

She goes back to class, even to her French culture class, where she tries not to stare at the long dark ponytail swinging in front of her when Christen laughs, tries to ignore the places on the creamy skin of Christen’s neck she sunk her teeth into, tries to forget the small gasps she would hear when she did.

 

She even goes to Versailles with the entire crew, sticking by Heather the whole time. Christen and Ali giggle and gossip during every tour, and Kelley knows Christen is making witty remarks that are way smarter and funnier than anything their tour guides have to say. Christen isn’t the type to draw attention to herself, so the only people who really get to know how clever she is are the people closest to her. And that’s not Kelley anymore.

 

Kelley tries to pretend she doesn’t notice when they go out and Christen spends the entire night being wooed by some French guy, but nobody actually believes her stomachache is real when she takes that excuse to go home early.

 

She tries so hard to feel okay, to go back to normal, to enjoy the rest of the trip, but it’s exhausting. Kelley finds herself counting down the days till she can go home, spending longer on FaceTime with her mom every night. She wants to wander the streets of Paris and soak up all the smells and sights and tastes—God, she never wants to go back to a world where there isn’t a crepe around every corner—but doing it alone just feels bleak.

 

She cries her eyes out when she gets the email from her airline telling her to check in for her flight home the next day, but she isn’t sure if the tears prickling her eyes are those of sadness or relief or just plain exhaustion. She’s pretty sure it’s a mixture of all three. She’s also pretty sure it doesn’t matter.

 

Heather texts to ask if Kelley wants to join them for dinner (“there’s this cute Italian place across the street… I know it sounds weird, but it’s super good!”), but Kelley can’t bring herself to do it. Ali and Ashlyn are already gone, having flown to Spain for a few days before Ali has to fly home for some family thing. Most of the larger group is gone, too. Diana had said goodbye to Kelley two days ago before leaving to meet another study abroad group in London.

 

She fully expects to spend the night packing and then leave in the morning with a quick wave goodbye to everyone, but something about her complete and total breakdown (after she checks in for her flight—she’s already heartbroken, she doesn’t need to add late boarding to her worries) makes her feel almost refreshed, which is how Kelley finds herself in the wine aisle of the grocery store, weighing her options between white (it is starting to warm up) and red (a French classic).

 

“Great minds,” a familiar voice says from behind her. 

 

Kelley knows who it is before she turns around, and she can’t help but smile when she sees Christen is holding a baguette, cheese, and jam—the exact contents of Kelley’s basket. “Hey, stranger.”

 

“Taking that somewhere?” Christen asks.

 

“I was going to head to, ah,” Kelley says, second guessing herself before she spills all her secrets.

 

“The Eiffel lawn?”

 

Kelley sucks in a sharp breath. That was where she was headed, but now she isn’t so sure.

 

“I was going to go that way myself. Mind if I join you?”

 

Christen’s voice sounds flirty, but Kelley can tell she’s nervous to ask. “Yeah,” Kelley says. “Sure.”

 

~

 

Five minutes into the walk to the Metro station, Kelley and Christen are laughing like nothing has changed between them. If they had never kissed in Amsterdam, maybe nothing would have.

 

In a moment of weakness (or tipsiness as they lie on the picnic blanket staring up at the Eiffel Tower), Kelley says as much.

 

“Yeah,” Christen says softly. “But I don’t think I’d change it.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because of the way you look at me,” she says. “For weeks I’ve been…”

 

“What?”

 

“I’ve just been struggling,” Christen says. “I don’t want to hurt you. I never wanted that. I just wanted that Lady and the Tramp sort of thing. Kissing and exploring and all the honeymoon stuff. None of the messy stuff that comes later, everything that happens when you go home and I go backpacking across Europe, when I come back and you graduate.”

 

“An Olsen twins kind of love affair,” Kelley murmurs, laughing wryly. It’s the same thing she’d envisioned for herself when planning for the trip, all the way until she was running to the gate to make her flight. All before she met Christen.

 

“Exactly,” Christen giggles. “But we’re people. I didn’t consider how hard I’d fall. Nobody tells you that movie love hurts just as much as the real thing. They’re so good at pretending it can be lighthearted and fluffy and surface level.”

 

“Maybe they’re just really bad actors,” Kelley says, trying to ignore the L word that left Christen’s mouth.

 

“Probably,” Christen replies. “I just—no matter what, I never want to forget the way you looked at me. Even when we were standing in front of some of the most beautiful sights in the world, I felt like you were only looking at me.”

 

Kelley swallows hard, reaching down to clasp Christen’s hand before she can think better of it. It feels the same as it did the last time she held it, in this exact spot—well, probably not this  _ exact  _ spot, but still—soft and warm and familiar. It feels like Paris.

  
And when Kelley turns her head toward Christen’s neck and inhales, it smells like Paris.

 

And when Christen leans forward to kiss Kelley’s lips softly, like she’s making sure it’s okay, when Kelley presses back harder, opening her mouth to Christen’s tongue, it tastes like Paris.

 

And when Kelley opens her eyes the next morning to see Christen’s piercing green eyes blinking up at her from sleepy eyelids, she sees Paris.

 

Paris is love and fireworks and crepes and wine and Christen. Those are the things she’ll always remember when she thinks about her time studying abroad. And maybe Christen isn’t meant for her. (And maybe she is, that voice in the back of her head that is still deeply in denial about the past few weeks says.) And maybe that’s okay. That doesn’t mean it won’t hurt like hell for a while, but Kelley thinks maybe it was worth it. The Olsen twins didn't dwell on their Australian romances when they were gallivanting around Rome, after all.

 

~

 

Nobody says a word when Christen and Kelley arrive at breakfast together, least of all Heather, who just smirks. Kelley can’t be sure, but she’s almost positive she sees HAO hand over a couple euros to Heather when she thinks they aren’t looking.

 

There isn’t enough time to explain anyway. They all have flights and trains to catch, so they all hug goodbye with the promise on catching up on whatever there is to catch up on later, when they’re out of this fantasy world.

 

Kelley, who’s usually in the biggest hurry to get through security at the airport, finds herself cursing the efficiency of this checkpoint because the sooner she gets through it, the sooner she has to say goodbye to Christen, whose gate is in the opposite direction. She’s heading off to Germany to meet up with her sisters before country-hopping for three more weeks while Kelley is going back to the real world. As real as college can be, anyway.

 

Christen promises she’ll be back in time for Kelley’s graduation, and Kelley insists on receiving a postcard from everywhere she goes. Christen, whose old soul never feels fully appreciated, happily agrees.

 

They talk and laugh and pretend they aren’t standing in the middle of the airport delaying the inevitable, but when Kelley feels her phone buzz in her pocket, she knows what it’s saying.

 

“My mom will kill me if I miss my flight,” Kelley says.

 

“That would be terrible,” Christen says. “It’s way more fun to shop for a graduation dress than a funeral dress.”

 

“My funeral would be the most fun!” Kelley insists, and Christen laughs.

 

“I’m sure it would be,” she replies. “I’d miss you a lot, though.”

 

“I’m going to miss you even if we both stay alive.”

 

“Okay, don’t be so morbid,” Christen says, rolling her eyes. “I’ll be back. We have a lot more adventuring to do together.”

 

Kelley knows what she means by that, the unspoken “as friends” lingering in the air, but she lets her heart yearn anyway. “Do you think there will ever be an us again?” she asks.

 

Christen sighs. “Kel—”

 

“It’s our airport goodbye,” Kelley says, cutting her off. “I’m about to turn around and you’re going to turn around and go the other way. This moment can be perfect or it can be real. The next words out of your mouth determine which.”

 

Christen pauses, contemplating Kelley’s words before turning her lips up in a smile. “I will never say never to you, Kelley O’Hara,” she says. “I know better than anyone what a mistake that would be.” She wraps her arms around Kelley’s shoulders and squeezes tight.

 

“Good to know,” Kelley says softly.

 

“Hey Kel?” Christen asks.

 

“Yeah?” Kelley replies, pulling away to look at her.

 

“Do you remember when you said you wouldn’t hit on me?”

 

Kelley blushes. “You need to stop bringing that—”

 

“I’m glad you broke that promise,” Christen says. “Seriously.” She pulls Kelley into another tight hug.

 

“I love you,” Kelley murmurs into her neck. If Christen is considering saying it back, Kelley doesn’t know, but she’s grateful when she doesn’t. She looks around at all the people bustling past before standing on her toes to kiss Christen, long and slow. It’s quick in the grand scheme of all their past kisses, but it’s enough for Kelley to hold onto. Forever, if she has to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's all folks!
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> HA! who are we kidding? I already have an epilogue written. but seriously:
> 
> thanks for all your patience with me and giving me time to sort through this in my head, even though it meant leaving when it wasn't quite right and coming back when it finally clicked. sometimes that's all we need in life... :)


	9. the sun won't set on us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the end, of course it's Christen who gives Kelley her happy ending.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you proceed, I have to warn you. If you liked the open-endedness of the last chapter, do not read on!!!! This is a Very Clear Ending, so if you'd rather believe Kelley and Christen go their separate ways forever or they get back together down the road or any of the endless options that exist in your imagination, I will not be offended if you skip this one!!!!
> 
> With that said, for those of you who want answers... enjoy :)

“Deep breaths, kiddo,” Kelley hears from her place at the end of the aisle, eyes closed as she tries to calm her nerves. Her dad’s voice brings her comfort, but he can't possibly understand how tight the corset of her ridiculously expensive dress is around her ribcage. A “deep breath” could literally split it at the seams.

 

She can hear her heart in her ears, beating strong and slow and steady. Her mom squeezes her hand before linking her elbow through Kelley’s arm. The traditional part of this is all because of them. If Kelley had it her way, she could marry this woman in pajamas at the courthouse, but her parents insisted she let them buy her a dress and look for venues. They finally sold her when they promised an open bar.

 

“You look beautiful, Kelley,” Karen says, kissing her on the cheek. “I'm so proud of you.”

 

“Because I landed such a catch?” Kelley laughs, mostly to ease her nerves. She wouldn't have believed five years ago, when she was a lost, confused, heartbroken almost-graduate, that she’d be here today marrying the woman of her dreams, the woman who has caused her countless sleepless nights (both good and bad), who has always been too good for her but somehow still doesn't realize it, who fits in with her friends so perfectly it's like she had been a missing puzzle piece all along.

 

The music starts again, and Kelley inhales sharply when the ushers open the doors for her. The first person she looks for is her bride, who is facing the altar. It's a good thing, too, because Kelley doesn't know how she would stop herself from sprinting down the aisle, rushing through the vows she feels like she's had prepared for years, and wrapping her up in an altogether inappropriate embrace for what's supposed to be a classy wedding.

 

Her dark hair falls in soft curls down her back, and her creamy tanned skin glows against the bright white of her dress. Kelley finds herself looking down at her own gown because it suddenly feels like it must be duller, less glistening, nothing in comparison.

 

She sees her sisters—her own, of course, and her future sisters in law, the ones who have made Kelley feel like family since the day they met. They stand arm in arm, like one big happy family, smiling right at Kelley. Erin tries to pretend she doesn't have tears in her eyes.

 

Heather and her now-husband, HAO and her now-husband, and Ali and Ashlyn are all seated together near the front, and they crane their necks to see Kelley, who can feel her face turning pink.

 

Kelley directs her attention back to the front of the church, at the rest of their closest friends, finally making eye contact with the one person who may be beaming even brighter than she is. Christen.

 

She grins like her heart may burst on the spot, and Kelley knows her well enough to know that's probably not far from the truth. She winks at Kelley, nodding toward her bride and signaling her approval with an eyebrow raise.

 

When Kelley kisses her parents on the cheeks and takes Alex’s hand, signaling her to turn around, she feels all the air leave her lungs. “Look at you,” she breathes, instinctively leaning forward to kiss her fiancée, who she hasn't seen in almost 18 hours—far longer than she’d ever choose to go without her.

 

“Not yet,” Alex laughs softly. “Be patient.”

 

“I'm not good at that.”

 

“Trust me, I know.” Alex smirks at Christen, who smiles back as the minister begins his spiel.

 

Kelley probably wouldn't be standing here if she were patient a day in her life. She’d asked Alex for her number twenty minutes after meeting her and asked her out to dinner an hour after that.

 

“I'm leaving town tomorrow,” Alex had laughed.

 

“So let's do it tonight,” Kelley had replied immediately, all while Christen stood a few feet away, laughing and shaking her head.

 

“I knew you'd hit it off,” Christen said with pride when she finally got a moment alone with Kelley. Now she claims she knew right then that they'd end up getting married, and who is Kelley to question the person who introduced her to the love of her life?

 

Kelley wouldn't even have gone to the alumni tailgate if it weren't for Christen. She was working in Georgia at the time, but Christen had whined and begged her to come to the homecoming game because, naturally, she was nominated for homecoming queen.

 

Everyone made fun of Kelley for traveling across the country to support Christen (and maybe get lucky), but she took the teasing like a pro, well aware that she was the only one who knew Christen was very much “talking to” a girl she’d met in Spain.

 

That's over now, and Christen is with another amazing woman who she’ll probably marry, and Kelley is sure she's never seen anyone get along with former flames as well as Christen does.

 

Seeing Christen was surprisingly natural, and as much as Kelley would have loved to kiss her, she didn't feel the same magnetic pull as she had in Paris. Staying up till 2 a.m. catching up and laughing about their trip together was all the proof Kelley needed to know they could make the friends thing work. It was more comfortable than it ever had been in Paris, and Kelley’s wine-ruddy cheeks hurt from grinning so much.

 

Of course, it also meant she was insanely late to the alumni tailgate, where Christen had been for hours, helping to set up as part of the many campus activities that got her nominated for homecoming court.

 

When Kelley finally showed up, still rubbing sleep from her eyes at 11 a.m., Christen grabbed her arm and dragged her over to a girl wearing the ugliest shades of Cal blue and gold. She had her mouth halfway open to make a smartass remark when she had the fortune of looking into the clearest blue eyes she’d ever seen.

 

“I'm Alex,” the girl had said, extending the hand that was not preoccupied with a Solo cup. “How's your hand-eye coordination?”

 

Kelley still maintains that Christen only introduced them because Alex needed a beer pong partner, but they won the game and shortly thereafter, Kelley won her heart. Well, she won her number, anyway, in a clever move called “if I make this seemingly impossible trick shot, you give me your number.”

 

The trick isn't to make the shot (she never does), but to look pitiful enough that the girl feels bad for you and gives you her number for trying (and because she’s secretly already into you). Alex fell for it hook, line, and sinker, but she claims that it was Kelley who fell for her secret scheme.

 

They'll have time to bicker about it after Christen’s speech at the reception, though. Right now, Kelley can only focus on the same blue eyes, now as familiar to her as the backs of her eyelids, and the most beautiful words she’s ever heard.

 

“You may now kiss your bride.”

  
Kelley doesn't hesitate before wrapping Alex in her arms, planting a long kiss on her lips as the air fills with cheers and catcalls. Faintly she can hear the laugh that still sounds like Paris, the one that used to stand out above everything, but now it fades into the rest of the cacophony, a joyous noise that sounds like home. 


End file.
